exhausted today

Hi there @lil_green_clock, 

It sounds like you've been putting so much effort supporting your partner for the last 3 days. The way that you've shared what is going on for them, shows how much understanding and grace you have given them so far!

It's hard to not take every "no" or resistance personally, even if we understand where they're coming from. So it's totally understandable why you've had to spend a good amount of time co-regulating your emotions too. Having an understanding of where your partner's at, doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel hurt or upset by the situation after all.

You're doing all the right things, but you're being pulled in so many different directions. Prioritising ourselves and our comfort when it feels like our loved ones need us more, can be difficult, especially when we want to support them to the best of our ability!

However, it's also really important to remind yourself that caring for yourself means that you are in a better space to care for them 🏵 So keep doing all those steps that you're doing to keep yourself okay, and if it's feeling like it's not enough, it's alright to ask for help. 

There's a variety of support options available for carers through the Carer Gateway if you're wanting some help.

In the meantime, we hope that the community can provide you with some useful words and tips to help you through this stressful time. Take care!

Thank you so much for your words 😭 having some kind, validating words helped a lot. 

I am taking time for myself today to rest and recover, and trying to let myself be without needing to "be" anything to anyone. Trying to protect myself so I don't burn out and not be able to help anymore.

Gday @lil_green_clock it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I ask you, is it an option for you to just shut a door somewhere and tell the people who are relying on you, to WAIT until you have restored yourself to come back out again? I find that 'they' take and take and take, but it's very hard to get back the energy and desire to keep giving. For me, saying NO has been something very empowering and they tend to actually understand that, like little kids they get told NO and it indicates boundaries that assist them to get what they want/need 'next time'.

Hi @lil_green_clock thank you for sharing a little about what you are going through right now in your post. Caring for others can have a big impact on our own ability to function and care for ourselves. I can only imagine how your own nervous system might be after the hard work of self- regulating, co-regulating, and managing of both your and their emotions over the last three days. It makes sense you'd be feeling exhausted and depleted. Do you know what it is you need in these moments in time to reduce/prevent things getting worse? The knowing what helps and the doing of "it" are two different things, especially if more responsibility is weighing on your shoulders at the moment.  

@lil_green_clock 

You are doing the right thing by looking after yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You might need more that one day. Do you have some self-care strategies that you can use to help you recharge? It might be worth a google and seeing what works for you. You sound like you are close to burn out and are a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Just try to look out for yourself right now. Put on your own oxygen mask first before you try and help someone else. It might be worth talking to a counsellor or a trusted friend about how you are feeling?

I really resonate with everything you've said. It almost felt like you were writing to me haha. I've been trying so hard for my partner, but nothing really gets better, we discover a new low, and I just don't know what to do. I try to be honest, and say "I don't know what to do," but that just makes him sadder, and triggers a spiral. I feel so lost and tired. I understand how you feel, thank you for making me feel less alone. 

hey @tealeblaire, i just wanted to pop in to welcome you to the forums! 

i also wanted to share a lil tip - you can tag the person you want to respond to by using the @ symbol and typing the username. when you select the username, it should turn blue like this @lil_green_clock - this means the person tagged will be notified of your response 😊 

Hi @rav3n,

Thank you for the welcome and for the tip, much appreciated 🙂

Hi @Sugarshack thank you for your message. I am learning and practicing setting boundaries, taking time for myself, and taking care of my needs. It's hard breaking the big habits and the big guilt I feel, but it is slowly getting easier to do. I know it helps me lots when I do it.

Hi @Sugarshack thanks for your message. I typed a response and then it disappeared on me. But anyway. I am slowly learning and practicing setting boundaries, taking care of my needs, and being aware of my limits. It's really tricky after a long time of not doing that/feeling like I couldn't do that. I am learning it slowly and it helps me.

Hi @TeaPositive thanks for your reply. It has been exhausting. 

Mostly what I need is time and space. Time to "just be" and not feel expectations to do more, or guilt for not doing. Time where I am by myself, and where I can prioritise my wants and needs, and let myself have joy.

Which I am slowly getting more of. And slowly remembering I'm allowed to have, and finding ways to take this time and space without it causing more distress for those I'm supporting/more support from me to be needed later.

Hi @Oaktree thanks for your message. I did a bit of this, of talking to friends I trust and explaining what was happening, and basically saying to them that I haven't been around for messages or support because of what's been happening. (Some of my close friends are also going through really tough situations too, so I have been setting boundaries on how much I can be there for them).

I have a while before my next therapy appointment tho.

I like to do things where I feel in control of my world, where I get to make the choices of what to do. I try to find things of joy to do, or creative things. For the first time in...a long while, I've got a fairly decent sleep routine - this was a good reminder to not ruin that in all of this. Sometimes the basics get missed.

I'm glad it resonated with you @tealeblaire. I'm sorry things hard for you also.

I hope you got to read some of the other words people said in response to me and I hope they could help a bit to give ideas for you, or just help you feel less alone.

I take a lot of comfort in remembering that my partner is trying their best, and doing what they can to help themselves get better, and I remind myself often that while I can love them, I am not responsible for them at the expense of myself and my needs. I am still a person, even when I am being a carer/support too.

Gday @lil_green_clock when you said the world GUILT it made me think this:

When you feel GUILTY it means you have promised some type of responsiblity that you are currently unable to fulfil, thats where GUILT comes in and says "you should be doing THIS which your mouth said you will do, but your body demands you need to do THAT which your flesh and bones need to do"

I do not have a partner but I have had a couple in the past, and my mum is extremely codependent/dependent personality who horribly influenced my own values in regards to overcaring for other people.

Without knowing or commenting on the specifics of your life, I reckon you PRIVATELY need to have  good hard think about how much responsiblity you can truly handle, and what YOU need to do to stay level and prevent burnout/depression/etc.

I have watched my mum disappear into a ?shadow/vulture of other people's lives as she uses codependency to avoid her self loathing and shame.

I used to try to do codependency to my ex, he was a depressive and whinger, it spoiled our relationship as I tried to and did make him happy but it exhausted me. I miss him a lot and I wish that I had held onto the maturity of saying "well thats your life, you can play the victim and blame the world but ultimately you're responsible for what you get out of it and by the way I love you and lets go do something with me being me, and you being you, and if the relationship falls apart so be it".

Instead I tried to make him happy and I tried to keep us together by focusing more on him and less on me. In the end I was so tired, exhausted, devoid of myself it took  a few years to recover. He is still a lazy depressive who drinks a lot, my life has come up roses and he's (still) a bit jealous of my success as he always responds to my social media. I figured out in hindsight he actually enjoyed feeling like a loser against my successes, and that fuels his drinking. I tried to get him to believe in himself, and quit drinking. Point of the story? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

So I am NOT advocating to break up or get dumped, but I am advocating to find your happiness, commit to it and the stronger and happier you are, the more your partner can reap the rewards of your success - but if you are burdened with guilt, he is going to become a heavy burden and drag you down the hole, and after I got dragged down my exe's hole of depression I do not recommend it. At the time it was easier to submit to being down the hole and harder to rise above it. Now I am nearly 10 years older I think, what an idiot I was to go down to his level for the sake of "love" but, I learned a lot and I wish i had been smart enough not to follow him, but that chapter of life was breaking codependency and now, a codependent man has been ringing and texting me because he is bored and wants someone to "care about his life" ....I am smart enough to say "can you take me out somewhere nice to actually have a conversation?" Well, he didn't bother to do that, he tried the texting/calling thing another couple of days...I just ignored it, CBF going on my phone to validate a whingeing old man and, voila he has stopped trying to waste my time and I notice he did not dip in his pocket and take me somewhere nice because, like me he is very busy with his own life and he just wants someone to validate him. Sayonara old man, I don't have anyone to validate my every waking moment so he doesn't get that for free, from me, and where I was excited to maybe get another boyfriend I breathe a sigh of relief to have dodged a bullet.

All the best, raise your head high and every day make 3 achievable goals for the day, and do 6 actions which feed into improving YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. Keep talking, keep reaching out but don't drown under someone elses depression.

Today I read your words @lil_green_clock and realised that it was a helpful nudge for me to also allow myself to take time and space - thank you 💜