wermonastring Casual Contributor
Getting along with others, living with a partner with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Hi there everyone, for the purposes of this post my name is Werm.
I am reaching out for some support or insights of others. My long term partner has recently been diagnosed with DID, this has made a lot of experiences make a lot of sense. We are both still learning and understanding what this means for them, and the want's and needs of their alters.
For some context both my partner and myself have complex mental and physical health histories, and I have been their main carer since they contracted long covid and have had severe subsequent health issues since 2022. They have unfortunately lost a lot of independence due to this, and this has effected their mental health greatly. I, being a helper by nature, like to do what I can to lighten their load however I can struggle to instinctively support their independence because of this, just doing things for them because it is easier. I have been trying my best to break the habit of this but when I am tired and dissociating myself it can be hard. Sorry for the long prelude but I swear this is important context.
The situation that I need help managing is this, my partner has an alter who greatly craves independence and has built up resentment towards me in not fostering their independence more or leaving them to sort things out them self. I have spoken with Host of my partners system (who fronts majority of the time) and they do not feel this way. They aren't regularly able to access the feelings or memories of this alter so it can be hard to actually work things out. They only tend to switch into this alter when extremely dis regulated.
At the moment when this alter surfaces I mainly apologize for not being able to better support their independence, state that I am trying to be better at supporting their independence, assure them that I love them and that I am here if they need me. This is okay but they feel angry that I feel sad when hearing criticism and say it is not worth it. I am trying to be better at accepting criticisms and improving and have spoken at length with my partners host about it but they are never around long enough to have chat about it.
Usually there will be a point where my partner's host switches back in, there is a moment directly following the switch when they remember what their alter has said and they are usually apologetic on behalf of their alter.
I am unsure if I am doing the right thing in seeking resolution, if I should give them more space or if there is something else that I can do to ensure they feel safe to decompress. They are adamant about not asking for help, even if it harms the host because they don't want to rely on me.
I would love the input of anyone who has a lived experience of DID or loving someone with DID and how to navigate alters that have different expectations, empathy levels and desires of the host.
I am also open to other that have any creative ideas about creating a safe place for this alter when they come out. I have thought about making a calm box for them with their host so they don't have to rely on me to get their meds and stim toys etc.