Heartathome

Hey yea I'm ok, sorry I missed you, have I done anything wrong by you else where?

I hope your sleeping well my friend I will be on early and look for you here?

Missing you my friend @heartathome  🙂

No, you've never done anything wrong to me! @REDLINEZ750  Never!

I'm glad you're okay and I miss you too!! 🫶

It's so much easier for you to only have to type something out once on your thread/s!! I'll follow you along in the social thread

I sometimes get a little sad and annoyed that I can't speak to you privately. It's just something I've got to get used to. 😒

I'm wondering if I should put all my poetry on here. Surely, I can have Jesus on my own thread 🤔

I hope you have a good day, my caring friend! Sending love and hugs your way. 💛

INNER CHILD

I'm hurting so, I feel so sick

Inside my chest feels like a brick

I might pass out, there's too much pain

But if I stay, I'll go insane

I don't want it covered or pushed down inside

I don't want to run, and I don't want to hide

Looking at her is almost too much

The girl within, I hated such

I'm not clear why or how or where

As it overwhelms, I can hardly bear

I can't get up to face the world

I find myself in a foetal curl

I grasp my stomach, it hurts my head

She is alive, I thought she was dead

I didn't feel, I didn't know

I didn't care, but now it grows

The girl inside, I want her out

She's huddled in fear, of me, no doubt

She is in chains, neglected too

I wonder what I'm supposed to do

I see her face, I see her fear

I never knew she was in there

I'll sit a while, just sit with you

She's so afraid of what I'll do

I'm so, so sorry, I didn't know

You were in there, we'll just go slow

What you feel is all okay

It's not strange to feel that way

Those chains removed, I'll lock the door

In case you run, I can't be sure

You cannot trust, It's okay though

I'll sit with you cause I kinda know

Can I hold you soon and stroke your hair

Cry with you because I care

Slowly now, so, so slow

We'll sit and share so we can grow

Now I know it will never be

The same for us, you and me

My inner child found at last

Of each other we are a part!

1995

Art by @REDLINEZ750 

Therapist

Do you laugh behind my back?

I doubt that you care less

How do you look upon my life?

Pathetic, I would guess

Did you ever give a thought

until I walk on through?

Or am I just another one

waiting patiently in queue?

You hide behind your doctor's mask

I know that's it's not you

I wonder what you're really like

Is what I see all true?

I want to trust and believe in you

But I can't believe you care

You keep your distance emotionally

and personally, never share

I am depressed and miserable

I feel unstable too

Are you glad when time is up

I wish I really knew

I'm so angry, I've no control

You won't open up to me

You have the power, I'm vulnerable

I hate the pain, you see

I sit with this every week

and I'm still compelled to come

My need for love is crushing me

I'm here for just a crumb

Does my pain amuse you so?

Is that behind your smile?

I want control that you won't give

I need to feel worthwhile

I have failed in my eyes

and it brings up all the past

Not wanted and unlovable

It's the role I have been cast

I love and hate you passionately

You hold some king of spell

Damn you for your ethics, [named removed by moderator]

But thank you too, as well

I'm feeling now, you wanted that

Though I can't say I'm impressed

I have to trust what you want

Is to see me at my best!

1995

Art by @REDLINEZ750 

Two Years On

Survivors of the apocalyptic flood

None of us are the same

You can call us resilient

Because so much has changed

We've been through the horror

And some out the other side

I can't leave anyone behind

As many dreams have died

It's a new chapter with sadness and joy

Two years further on

Many will never return

Wondering where they belong

Many homes sit still

Destroyed beyond repair

I want them to know that they matter

And that I still care

Some are okay, some are well

While others still cling to hope

Each on their own journey's

Learning on the way to cope

The community is rising

Like a Phoenix from the mud

Their fighting spirit comes through

Because it's in their blood

We continue to move forward

I love a new start

There's a new song that I sing now

A song from my heart

Bravo neighbours

Now much bigger than my street

We'll always have a bond

Not knowing the word defeat

2024

FRIENDSHIP

Friendship is sharing ideas and thoughts

Not always agreeing but ready to hear

Supportive and loyal through times that are rough

Not always together but forever near

Friendship is caring about the other

Looks to be kind and thoughtful each day

Tries to understand the feelings of another

Continues to love when things aren't their way

A friend is someone you can always trust

Someone who will never lie

Always looking to lift you up

It's something money can't buy

A friend, you look forward to seeing

Sometimes needing time apart

Someone to laugh and cry with

A connection from the heart

A friend you feel comfortable being with

Honest, no front on show

Someone you don't hide your feelings from

Someone you're proud to know

Friendship develops with trust and care

Just like a flower, it grows

What goes in is what comes out

Like planting seeds that we sow

A friend is special, like a precious stone

Despite rough edges each angel we turn

So rare, it must be appreciated

Lord, to be a friend, I want to learn

1995 

I have same feelings about knowing everything said is not private   @heartathome   I don't have my computer or I'd already be working on a phoenix rising from water within a heart  as a platform to present and you are every bit of the friend you hoped to be at 1995 to me 30yrs later 

You are so important to my growth and connection I get catastrophic thoughts about something bad happening to you and I would not be able to even know or be able to help you so your not alone there  my friend it resonates with me 

I have another group now, please have great day, know someone's thinking of you I will be back soon my friend

Not really, I’ve been out of work for 6 months now and I just can’t seem to get a job even though I have years of experience hence I’m now starting to panic and feeling isolated and alone. Sorry for my moan☺️

I guess we know that if anything does happen to us, we're going home and I'll see you there later! 🤗Not that I expect anything to happen to me! It something does happen, it won't be due to my mental health, that's for sure! I'm having a lung test next year when I'm 65 but I'm more concerned about the 750 when you are hitting the line! 

God has changed my heart! @REDLINEZ750 . 

Don't forget to share yourself with the rest of your family. They love you too! 

I don't want you to feel pressured in any way to talk to me every day. That's too much pressure on you! Other people on the social thread are very kind to me but you're my SANE bestie! I won't interfere in a conversation that I'm not tagged in to give you space and other opportunities to connect with others. I think that's all I'm concerned about at the moment! 🤗 I don't want you to miss out on other connections! 

Are you thinking I'm being stupid? I don't want to be insecure or needy! I can be both which is not fair on you so, please think about it. If you disagree, I'm happy with that but I want you to think about what I'm saying. I think it's important. Please don't tell me off...  I'm scared about posting this but, f*** it, here goes! 💛

My @heartathome  friend it's not pressure ever it's a want, it's respect and it's strangely enough my way of showing love and reminding you that you matter.

I believe that you are one person that gets that in its entirety 

Now to read rest of your post while this birds telling me it's hungry because I'm sitting where I eat on my own every night and feed it from my hand only it's not dinner time the despair in its chirps are saddening.

Stoopid bird

No support button at the moment! 💛

feed it from my hand    It would take patience on your part and trust on the part of the bird. It's awesome! 💛

Sorry  @REDLINEZ750  I shouldn't have posted that! 🫢 I'm being selfish and rambling about what's on my mind instead of asking you how your days been! I am more interested in how you're going! 💛

Aww. It looks like a baby. What kind of bird is that? Do you know?  @REDLINEZ750  💛

@REDLINEZ750 💛

After slowly reading your last post, I understand and I'm sorry! 😭  

 @REDLINEZ750  💛

I hope you can relax and get a good night sleep tonight! @REDLINEZ750   I'm sorry if I hurt you or made you angry! I've got a pretty strong feeling I have! I'd rather have you 'tell me off' than not talk to me at all! 💛

Morning my friend  @heartathome 

I fell asleep before I sent last post I feel like shit thinking you spent time feeling I was upset with you

Good morning to you! You've done absolutely nothing wrong!! @REDLINEZ750 I promise! I'm glad you're still talking to me. I was hoping but wasn't expecting you to talk to me today. I thought you may have felt like I was pushing you away. It wasn't my conscious intention!

I'm going to bible study this morning and then going out with them for lunch. I have a zoom meeting between 5 - 7 for a Drug and Alcohol rehab, so I'll be on and off today. I hope you realize how friggin awesome you are! 💛

Are you there? @REDLINEZ750 Are you okay? 💛

Update

I hope to catch up with you tomorrow, if you get some time and want to! 🙏 💛

Update 2

 Thinking of you and missing you! 💛

@REDLINEZ750 @My sons dog, Polly. 

@REDLINEZ750 Mannie 2023💛

Oh my goodness @heartathome  I want a mannie! 🥰 Adorable!!!

Heard a song with lyrics you know but thunder only happens when it's raining, players only love you when they playing, when the rain comes in then you will know.

If I don't have an umbrella I will shelter you with my jacket.

I know the song well @REDLINEZ750

A painting I did in 2022. It's called Hope 💛

This one is called Broken Heart and was painted in 2022 after a flood took everything except my dog and phone 💛.

A painting I did in 2022 called Hope 💛

 I hope you have a good weekend @REDLINEZ750  💛

Do you go to AA or NA meetings @REDLINEZ750 ? I used to go for six years until I busted. There are no meetings around here, so I'll have to check out the online meetings later. Sending hugs and blessings your way! 💛

The Fingers of God - from Mount Warning at sunset (when you could climb it). It's a sacred place! 💛

@REDLINEZ750 

Wow @heartathome  magnificent

 last week I have taken some always for purpose  of posting and just kept getting frustrated with being unable to stop long enough, I was feeling homesick from here and when I got on frustrated with restrictions I didn't have at home, totally untouched and natural colours, I love sunsets beauty

How are you my friend?

Manniemelted my heart 

12 steps just never worked for me my addictions were always more trauma formed from trust so being told to trust to heal was always as far as I got in the programme.

Plus having a sponsor tell me alanon would teach my kids mother to be patient and support me through my sobriety so I did then when she left me she told me best thing I ever told her was go to alanon and called me stupid thinking what I did because what they told her is I I'm an addict and I won't change and she should leave me.

When I questioned my sponsor and AA members got told I must of hit her and never hit her and never went back 

  @heartathome   I am respectful of the many lives it saves just wasn't mine.

Trusting others never has 

Until these forums, I trust again slowly & wonder if it's my presence that makes people mislead or and abuse my nature which is sorrow that I can't ever know if trust is is real or just as anonymous as the people that now have it 🙂‍↕️

My support button isn't working! @REDLINEZ750 My meds have kicked and I need to go to bed. 😴

but first... my presence that makes people mislead or and abuse my nature  I wonder where this is coming from. Is this about outside or on the forum? 

I hope you don't think/ feel that I've mislead you in anyway or and abused your nature! I wouldn't lie to you. Dishonesty is my pet hate. My stories are real and I'm not a robot! I was going to say trust me. :face_with_rolling_eyes:

I can't ever know if trust is real or just as anonymous as the people that now have it. It sounds like something has happened. 

Trust is a huge topic! Trust can take a long time to build and is open to risks of being hurt. You know that, because people are flawed and will let you down at times (not meaning to), but what a blessing it is when you can find someone you can trust.

I trust my acquaintances and friends at different levels. Only a couple get a high percentage of my trust! I can just see your brain ticking over! 💛

@REDLINEZ750 The restrictions (theirs or tech) are tough, hey? I'm glad nature is close by, and you get to see the sunset! How long have you got left in there now? I'm sure you've passed the halfway mark!

I've been okay! I've been hiding from the holiday influx as much as possible.

I've been on a bit of a roll, getting a few emails from SANE for things I've said and one breach since you've been away. So, it seems you're not such a bad influence on me after all! 😂  

I remember now that you told me that about AA/ NA. I wouldn't go back either if I was accused of something I didn't do! Alanon didn't help you at all either and was wrong to say what they did about you! Addicts get clean all the time. I admire Eminem for one! Being sober (2008) in that field would be hard.

Do you trust anyone outside of here? I trust my psych. I would trust my son too, because I brought him up with honesty being the main thing. He's honest whether I like it or not and I prefer that!

I hope you have a good day @REDLINEZ750 Thinking of and missing you! 💛 

I trust you 

Oh, my heart! @REDLINEZ750  💛

Wish I could actually talk freely with you sometimes, I wish you smiles  my dear friend Not just today but every day 🙏  @heartathome  you are thought of no matter how lonely today may feel for you

Good morning my sweet @REDLINEZ750 

Oh, how I wish I could see you and give you a hug, but it will have to be virtual. It would be great to be able to talk freely but once again, not possible. It sucks but I'm glad I've met you on here! I feel close to you! Be proud to be my first close male friend in over 50 years! 💛

 @heartathome 

I love how you can connect with me @REDLINEZ750 ! I had to get the magnifying glass out to read it sideways. 😄 I'm tempted to do something I know I shouldn't. I'm safe. Nothing like that!

Thanks for my postcard!! That's such a beautiful and unique thing to dol! I've never been sent a postcard over the internet before. It reminds me of the old days of posting letters.

You know I care deeply for you and glad that you're in my life!

P.S My phone didn't charge last night, and I've got to leave for lunch soon. I'll be back on later this afternoon.

P.S.S Enjoy your lunch. Places usually put on something special for Christmas day. Oh, and I was thinking gargling salted water could help with the ulcer. Always thinking! 😁 💛

So hope what your thinking isn't picking up id hate myself for thinking I caused that @heartathome 

I have been given cedar oil from a participant and cloves from office I be like come at me now ulcer I'm hitting lunch hard hehehe

Please be well and know it's just another day for me in the sense that I don't need to be told what days to be kind and giving 

I do that shit any day it's requisred

I'm still using the smoko from my psych. He'd like me to stop next year. I think I might have to do some begging although I'd save $200 a month if I stopped! That's a lot of money for me. I've been on it for such a long time @REDLINEZ750 It's always been there for me! I know you understand! 

Please don't blame yourself for anything I do because I'm a big girl who makes her own decisions. You will never be to blame for something I do!

If anything, I think I'm a bad influence on you and now understand it's something I've been told over and over again. I think I need to keep every man at a distance to keep them safe from me. In the Pentecostal cult I was told I had a Jezabel spirit. It's not good!! Control, manipulation, pride or rebellion, seduction (emotionally), fear of vulnerability and difficulty submitting or trusting others. That's a nice picture of me apparently!  You still want to be my friend? 😏

The other old record is I'm just not good enough. I might have to talk to God about this Jezabel. I haven't mentioned this before. I feel like I should be giving you a warning. Silly, hey but I do worry sometimes that it could be true. I just wanted to tell you what I've been thinking. Is it too much information? Too heavy? Will you worry about me? I hope not. I'm a strong woman! Having you in my life is a big change for me! It's scary for me to even think about it but I'd rather know now if it changes anything between us. 

I've never heard of cedar oil being used before. Are you sure they're not trying to poison you?! 😄 Are you going to make an appointment to the dentist for your broken tooth.

I'm all good over my way. I went to church, had a cry then lunch, and it was nice. All us oldies were ready for a laydown after lunch. I lasted for three and a half hours, which was pretty good for me! 

I was scared on the freeway but did it anyway! I like cruise control. I only found out this year how to use it! I have so many buttons on my steering wheel when all I use are the blinkers and wipers. The lights come on and off automatically.

I need to get my car aircon fixed and a wheel line and balance. I haven't had a wheel alignment for years. The tire place says it's time for an inspection but I'm ignoring that at the moment. I just pray God keeps my tires up and keeps me safe on the road before I go out. The roads are atrocious around here! Big potholes that you can fish in! 😄 

I only got on to say goodnight! 😂 Oh well, there's something for you to think about. I would have told you earlier, but I only just realized where this fear was coming from. I'm going to send this off before I change my mind. 💛

Hey my close and dear friend @heartathome 

Me I'm the guy that makes my own mind up and if I had a time machine I'd take them sssholes called you a jezzabell  and other nonsense forward to today for a look through Westfield then send them back and you'd be given a halo so there's words mean shit they just saw a vulnerable child they could use to beat up with mosaic laws which don't even hold weight since Christ bleed on the cross.

Any way I get called the first part of that all the time so there fore you can be bell not first time I changed surnames haha

I'm going nowhere I'm used to seductresses they don't like me I ask too many questions and it makes them think I'm weird so guess they called that shot wrong too.

Man howed you sleep after putting that down before eyes close?

F###k them @heartathome

Nice work around the descriptive though, respected hahahahaa

I thought oh is that all was worried you were going lapse on something 

Mate seriously I think about you everyday not because I'm under some spell because I like the conversation and I care about you strange person that's anonymous. 

🙏👋

'I care about you strange person' I don't think anyone has complemented me like that before! 🤣 I really quite like being called strange. My friends would laugh and agree with you!

Thank you @REDLINEZ750 I thought you might need a least a day to think about it. 😊 You could be in trouble if it's true! I'm going to talk to a Christian psychologist when he gets back from holidays, who happens to be my Bible study teacher. 

I was older with my son in nappies when I happened to find the 'church'. I was vulnerable, though! My best friend was the one who told me that I had that spirit. Yep. She's still my one of my favourite people! We both started going to the church around the same time. We were both sole parents and street wise. The bike scene was well and truly over by that time. 

As I once told someone on here; I'm like a chameleon. I can morph into anyone in any situation. I'm not talking psychosis. 

howed you sleep after putting that down before eyes close? It was 1am when I took more meds to sleep. I feel groggy today, not that I'm complaining.

I'm amazed one of the moderators or peer workers hasn't popped in yet. 😁 Have they rung you yet?💛

Nah not one person,

Wondered if that was your reference to doing something you shouldn't

I don't need anonimity I just respect the people that do 

Your welcome to use it if only it's not hurtful to you in some way.

Personally it would be cool to at least put a voice to you no reason to share any location details what's a phonecall if stay within the boundaries.

.

I didn't even know if it could be seen 

Did I do wrong thing you think @heartathome ?

That may or may not be what I'm talking about! 😐 

Probably 😏 Unless you don't care who has your number. You could edit it? Do you remember what thread you were on when you posted it? The moderators can delete it, if you want. 💛 

Good night @REDLINEZ750 Sweet dreams my friend! It's been great to catch up with you this evening! 

It's always a pleasure catching up with you my @heartathome friend .

Syou most likely horizontal now

Sleep well have fun with the fairies

Good morning @heartathome 

Guess who wakes up early in the mornings now aha

I hope you have good day

😲 Wow. That's different getting up when the birds do @REDLINEZ750 ! I didn't expect to see you on here this early! Good morning my friend! 💛

INJUSTICE

Injustice is a fact of life

It happens every day

Our reaction is a choice

To forgive or make them pay

"Give hurt to God" people say

I have to wonder how

I struggle with two worlds within

I seek the justice now

A silent world to show the pain

I'll make you pay somehow

If that doesn't work, there's more to come

I'll pick until we row

You are wrong; I am right

I want it stamped and sealed

I want justice; it belongs to me

Retaliation; that's my shield 

My own defences are cruel and low

I care but can't show how

I want that apology that you owe

I'll fight until you bow

It's not the way I want to be

But it happens every time

It's wrong; I know; I want to change

But who will pay the crime?

Holding onto hurt does what?

Does it cause them pain?

Does it help when both lose out?

What does it really gain?

satan, I'm sure sit's back and laughs

Pride is his special tool

he gets his way while conflict lasts

It's him, not God who rules

Seeking justice with the rage

Will never bring me gain

It's not God's way and never will

I need to feel the pain

It hurts I cry; it shouldn't be

This person has to pay

I wonder how Jesus must have felt

On the cross that day

Many times, He suffered unfairly

His life was so unjust

He taught us many things while here

Forgiveness seems a must

They spat on Him; they called Him names

They lied and cheated too

How did He make these people pay?

Just what did this man do?

He loved them while they wanted Him dead

He loved them while they lied

He loved them as they nailed His hands

He forgave them as He died

We love the Lord but not each other

No excuses now

Jesus tells us what to do

His life will show us how

He didn't say it would be easy

In fact, He knew we'd fall

That's why He stayed upon the cross

He waits for us to call

The longer we hold our hurts and pain

The more resentment grows

The tighter and closer we hold it now

Means the harder it'll be to let go

It's up to us, what we choose

God won't force His way

We choose to get what is due

Or love and forgive this day

Look at Jesus; go His way

I know it's for our best

Although it's hard, it's worth the effort

His life has promised rest.

December 1995 (30 years ago)

I just want to say that this is what God was saying to ME at the time. He may not be telling you the same thing! Let me tell you forgiveness is still an ongoing process! 

@REDLINEZ750 

MINUS JOY

Unfulfilled and lonely

What is my life for?

Where's the joy I crave so much?

Against hope there is a war!

Filled with endless joy and love

Aren't I supposed to be?

Truth be known; it's not here

It's not inside of me

There's nothing past that I want

It was a lonely road

Can I hope for anymore

Then what I have been showed?

Unlovable and unwanted

Thoughts inside of me

I often wonder what use I am

My desire is to see

Why is it I'm not happy?

I know that I am blessed

Yet it's hard for me to see that God wants

Nothing but my best

Don't get me wrong; I'm okay

A survivor's strength of will

Life goes on but what it offers

Doesn't seem to fill

I'm tired and lonely; sad in fact

But I'm so ashamed to say

I should be grateful for everything

But I just don't feel that way

What do I need to make me happy?

I'm searching but I don't know

I've got a child; I've had a man

There's no fulfilment though

Nevertheless, life goes on

For some reason, I am here

My only hope is Jesus Christ

At least I know He's near

A deep detachment in my life

To say otherwise would be wrong

To be honest I have to say

I'm really not that strong

I'll praise the Lord anyway

It could always be much worse

Instead of living with His favour

I could be living with His curse

I guess it's not all that bad

It only feels that way

I'll look ahead and remind myself

Tomorrows another day

July 2000

I'm going through all my poems and putting them up here @REDLINEZ750 No need to read them now. They're not going anywhere! 

Maybe a trigger @moderator I don't know how to put the sign on it.

July 1996 💛

I hope this isn't a trigger!!   @REDLINEZ750   Let me know if it is and I'll take it down! Remember, I wrote this 30 years ago. It was written in the early years of therapy. 

TO FEEL WORTHWHILE

God, is there any pleasing You?

Can I make you proud of me?

I'm looking for your approval

But inherent evil is all I see

Do you care if I do well?

Are you happy when I do?

Is your acceptance connected to

what I do for You?

If I'm saved regardless

Of what I say or do

Then what's the point of trying

The impossible of pleasing You

Redemption and grace are words I hear

But words don't mean a lot

I want to feel your approval

And feel it, I do not!

Buddhism I find easier

Karma seems so just

Try as I might, I don't believe

Buddha, I don't trust

Jesus is so real to me

I know I'm not alone

He'll help me as I battle through

The mindset that I've known

It's a works mentality

That somehow suits control

But it doesn't help me when I need

To trust God to make me whole

I trust **** with my emotions

Even though he'll leave

What stops me from trusting God?

How God must grieve

**** accepts me as I am

At least it seems that way

Yet I can't seem to please God

I disappoint Him everyday

I don't read His Word much

I don't sit and pray

Why bother with Christianity

I can hear you say

I'm afraid of hell; I believe in that

I want to feel I'm safe

There's one word that stands out

And that word is faith

Where is faith when I feel

I'm evil and somehow wrong?

How I wish to feel worthwhile

It's something that I long

I guess I'm asking You, God

For faith to feel worthwhile

To feel Your approval and acceptance

Of me, your needy child

February 2001

I'm on a roll! @REDLINEZ750 I have nothing else I'd rather be doing at the moment. It feels good to put them 'out there'. Don't feel obliged to read them! I don't want them to bring you down! Just remember that I don't feel the same anymore. 💛   

@moderator  (this is my secret little thread with all my poetry @MissGremlin - please be careful, my poems can be very triggering. My abuse was like the movie Lolita. Feel free to have a look around. You're the first one here apart from the moderators and redline) 💜

*TRIGGER WARNING - INCEST*                *TRIGGER WARNING - INCEST*

This is about a sexualized adult talking to her therapist, her perpetrator and the world 

It is a very long poem to my therapist after a couple of weeks of therapy. I became obsessed with him because he wouldn't 'show' me that I was worthwhile. At this stage, his rejection became my failure. I also 'speak' to my perpetrator and the world. I was full of rage! I had suicidal ideation throughout the first three years of therapy. 💛

March 2000

@REDLINEZ750  This is probably the worst I've got. Just starting therapy! 💛

@moderator I think this one is okay to post without a trigger warning but I'm not sure. Thank you for helping me with my poems!  💛

I wrote this after seeing my perpetrator at my nan's funeral. He was scared but I felt it wasn't the right time to confront him. I was blessed to be a part of the investigation and arrest of him years later. 

NO SYMPATHY HERE

I told you I forgive you

Because I couldn't stand your shame

I released you from your guilt that day

While all the while I was in pain

Did I forgive too easily?

I don't know what it means

God's forgiveness is different to mine

He is much more keen

You will be held accountable

Of that, you can be sure

You'll meet my God to answer Him

And my pain will be no more

I can't forget while in this world

The pain won't disappear

Sadness I live with everyday

As well as hurt and fear

The guilt you feel is fine by me

I hope it's very clear

I hope you squirm and pace at night

You'll get no pity here

I'll leave you to God; he'll take revenge

Cause He was there with me

He's as angry as I am now

Though with different eyes, He sees

I have control and see your fear

At last, I feel empowered

I haven't any respect for you

You're nothing but a coward

The guilt and shame eat you away

And I really don't care less

I know you've lost your family

And I'm glad your life's a mess

You deserve the pain you've got

You did it to yourself

You will never hurt me again

Cause I'm seeking something else

My anger is not about forgiving you

It's a reaction to abuse

Letting God now deal with you

Doesn't mean a truce

I know now when someone cares

And it's not like what you gave

You were a counterfeit of that word, love

Of no more am I a slave

I walk ahead, each step by faith

It may be tough and slow

But trusting God has brought me here

Safe at last to grow

April 2000

@REDLINEZ750 💛

THE 70's

Demonstrations, feminism

Turbulence and war

Woman and housewives

wanting something more

Politics, bye bye Gough

Walking on the moon

Vietnam, Watergate

Jesus coming soon

Disco's and afro's

Halter tops and flares

Platform shoes and paisley

Lectures and stares

Marijuana, mushie's

Freedom, love and peace

Confusion, rebellion

Trouble with police

Image and parenting

A picket fence and wife

Tree hugging hiippie's

A different kind of life

Dr Spock said it all

All about us kids

Then he took it back again

At least he made a quid

Laminating, vinal

Bleach, colour TV's

Copper tubs and music

Albums and LP's

Rolling Stones and Abba

The Ted Mulray Gang

Hendrix and Skyhooks

Karen Carpenter sang

Gilligan and the skipper

Lassie, Rin Tin Tin

The Brady Bunch, Homicide

The Beatles and the king

Cults and religions

Manson and Jim Jones

Sharen Tate, wasted lives

Billy Graham groans

Mini skirts, knee high boots

Countdown, satin pants

Woman and equality

Time to take a chance

Men and their long hair

Bandanas round their heads

The classic Ford and Holden fight

Hiding in the shed

Outside, in the dirt

Finding things that move

Grazed knee, wet and tired

Mother left to soothe

Lady like, climbing trees

Hanging upside down

Playground and equipment

Spinning round and round

The 70's -- dig it, be cool

Drive in's, far out man

Dr Who and Star Wars

V dubs and panel vans

I remember the 70's

Rebellious, freedom, fun

The best and worst time I had

When all's been said and done!

1995

Here's another one @moderator  I'm not sure about this one! I'm sorry. I don't know how to put up a trigger warning. 

Again, this is one that I wrote when I first started therapy 25 years ago. 💛

TRIGGER WARNING:  SEXUAL ABUSE

I wrote a poem about the flood two years on and read it at the anniversary. @moderator 

TRIGGER WARNING:  FLOOD       TRIGGER WARNING:  FLOOD

Two Years On

Survivors of the apocalyptic flood

None of us are the same

You can call us resilient

Because so much has changed

We've been through the horror

And come out the other side

I can't leave anyone behind

As many dreams have died

It's a new chapter with sadness and joy

Two years further on

Many will never return

Wondering where they belong

Many homes sit still

Destroyed beyond repair

I want them to know that they matter

And that I still care

Some are okay, some are well

While others still cling to hope

Each on their own journeys

Learning on the way to cope

The community is rising

Like a Phoenix from the mud

Their fighting spirit comes through

Because it's in their blood

We continue to move forward

I love a new start

There's a new song I sing now

A song from my heart

Bravo neighbours

Now much bigger than my street

We'll always have a bond

Not knowing the word defeat!

2024

ANGUISH OF LONLINESS

Affirmations, encouragement

Words of love and praise

Loneliness, unlovable

Tears and tired days

Physical touch, affection

Touch and tenderness

Lonely and unwanted

Fears demanding less

Quality time, listening

Wanting to be with me

Alone and feeling worthless

An isolating plea

These are what I crave

It makes no difference though

It's up to me to fill the void

But how, I don't know

Acts of service, anything

Help me with my son

Loneliness, inadequate

I know no sense of fun

Gifts, a single flower

Meaningful and free

So alone, strings attached

What do you want from me?

Empty, hollow, screaming pain

Nothing fills this need

Lonely, detached and afraid

A heart that's prone to bleed

No more pain and loneliness

Please stop this awful ride

Life is nothing more to me

than sadness, hurt and lies

I've had enough of this life

Living with myself

My thoughts and feelings are honestly

detrimental to my health

Do I actually want this pain?

Does it serve me well?

I'm so confused, don't understand

Why I'd want this hell

Is there nothing that can help?

Is this my lot in life?

For my thoughts to torture me

While emotions lead to strife

I can't stand this anymore

But what else can I do?

I won't go back, I can't stay still

Ahead I must go through

I don't know but I can guess

It is the grace of God

Even though I feel this way

Day by day I plod

Surely someone else has felt

Much the same as me

From this anguish I only hope

One day I will be free

July 2000

Thankyou for tagging me here @heartathome. I will have a read through once I get to lay in bed tonight.

I'm worried that my page will be triggering, especially at night by yourself @MissGremlin and I'll be asleep and won't be able to support you! 😟 I know you're a strong woman but you're also very vulnerable at the moment! I don't really think it's a great idea to read my poems without support being around. Could you please talk to me tomorrow if you decide to read them? Just to make sure that you're okay. I hope you get some sleep tonight without the nightmares and panic attacks! 💜 

@heartathome i very rarely get triggered by things on here but should I find anything affecting me I'll stop reading and reach out for support if i need to. I'll definitely check in with you to let you know that I'm ok sweet. Thankyou beautiful ❤️.

Hello sweet @heartathome I've read through all you've shared here, they are so honest and raw and some bring me hope. Only one really hit me hard (8th January) cos I related to it so much, but don't worry I'm ok, I just know the feelings all too well and the things we seek because the trauma we've been through. Thankyou for allowing me to be a part of your journey by sharing your poetry with me, i truly feel so privileged.

You've come such a long way and you should be so proud of yourself, I know I'm proud of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs, keep being your wonderful self ❤️.

Oh, thank you @MissGremlin It's my pleasure to have you here! Thanks for your interest and getting back to me to let me know you're okay! I'm glad you weren't triggered too bad but could relate! I forgot about my conversations with Redline! So, now you may have more of an idea of what's going on in my life at the moment. 

Trauma bonding is a psychological attachment that forms when someone who hurts you (incest for me) also gives moments of care, attention, or relief, causing the brain to link pain with connection. This can make abuse feel confusingly like love, loyalty, or safety, even when it's harming you. I know (in my head) trauma bonding is not love although it sure feels like it! 

This obviously still affects me today! 💜 

@heartathome i went to reply to your post after making a cuppa but it's disappeared. 

Hey @MissGremlin The moderators must have not liked what I had to say. 😉 No worries! I know what they're getting at. Enjoy your cuppa and I'll talk to you later. 💜

@heartathome well I didn't see anything wrong in it when I read it, but anyway know that I did read it and I do understand about the trauma bonding. 

I hope you have a lovely day beautiful ❤️.

This is my experience of DV. It comes from a women's perspective with an abusive husband. It also happens around the other way. Men are abused too! It was never physical but verbally (threats of violence), mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The group he attended was great, but when they wanted him to look back into his past, he gave up. Our marriage went downhill very quickly after that!  💜

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

I'm almost scared to be this happy

I wait for it to burst

Volcano's cease and calm preside

Are we through the worst?

So much conflict in the past

A lot of hope ahead

I'm finally not all to blame

I like where we've been led

A nasty wheel of life we've seen

The violence can stop here

Conflict is a natural thing

Without consuming fear

Domestic Violence, it is named

Physical it can be

Though what's involved is much more

I'm now beginning to see

Abuse will take on many forms

The battering is the same

No self-worth is what is left

From this controlling game

It's all about power and control

A belief given to man

In any way that they seem fit

They do it because they can

Society tells them it's okay

They are the head of us 

We're fine because it is the norm

Why make a lot of fuss?

Well, I'll tell you now, it's not okay

Accepted it has been

It hides itself in many ways

To explore it, I am keen

Admitting it is one huge step

Then things can slowly change

For men, I guess, it must be hard

New ways that seem so strange

This is bigger than I thought

A challenge of their worth

A belief system that's so engrained

A new one we want birthed

It's not easy what I'm asking

But it's better not to run

Because I've challenged my own beliefs

I know it can be done

I am changing and growing too

Though this you cannot see

To support you while you heal and grow

Means pain at times for me

The M.E.N.D (men exploring new direction) group you are doing now

Is helping more than me

It is for you, our children too

For a future equality

Keep on going, fresh hope it lives

Embrace this new belief

The new ways you are learning there

Bring joy instead of grief

I anticipate what's ahead

So far it hasn't come

Not all have seen the change I have

But it is that way for some

Men exploring new direction

It started with a few

It must continue for our sake

The future lies with you

Society - this means you and me

We all have a part

To change the patterns that can break

More than a women's heart!

Sept 1996

@REDLINEZ750 

Weakness 

Tender and sensual

A longing embrace

Safe in his arms

At a slower pace

I want to be loved

I crave to be touched

Underpinned sadness

At times, too much

Too sad to meet

I must stay away

Too tired to give

I don't want to play

I push you away

I isolate

I am alone 

I form my fate

I see without power

I cry for relief

Much sadness inside

I fear the grief

Emotional oceans

Eyes say a lot

A storm to be weathered

When will it stop?

I'm tired of struggling

I just want to d*e

My child needs my love

And I can't even try

I'm not getting rescued

I am on my own

What could have been

If only I'd known

I must continue

I must press on

If I stop

All is gone

1990's

@REDLINEZ750 

Please Accept Me Mum 

Please love me mum 'cause I love you

I promise I'll be good

I won't be any more trouble for you

I'll do just what I should

I won't talk too much and embarrass you

I'll smile and be polite

Although I try to make you proud

I just can't get it right

I'm sorry mum, I let you down

Alone I ought to be

I always seem to upset you

Something's wrong with me

Why am I so unlovable?

I tried my best for so long

No more mum, I give up

'Cause constantly I'm wrong

No more anger, show your best

We must always think of others

If I could just be well behaved

I'm sure I'd please my mother

I wish I could have talked to you

To tell you how I felt

You gave me answers you thought best

They left emotional welts

I couldn't do it right, you know

No matter how hard I tried

I only wanted your acceptance

Instead, you criticised

You did your best, I know you did

But that doesn't help me now

Mum, I think I hate myself

Did you teach me how?

I'm a failure and disappointed you

Of that I am sure

No matter what I did for you

You always wanted more

I wish I could be someone else

Or just not here with me

Accepted, loved and then embraced

One day I long to be

March 2000

@REDLINEZ750 

@heartathome oh sweet, that one hits me hard. It's exactly how I felt and still feel. 

Hugs to you sweet, thankyou for sharing ❤️

Hello @heartathome,  We read your post your earlier today.  We can hear that you are processing difficult emotions and things can sometimes be challenging. We encourage you to continue engaging with forum members to get support from your peers. 

We also want to make a friendly check in to ask whether you are currently safe. Have you been experiencing thoughts about harming yourself in a specific way, or have you had any plans or a timeline in mind? You are not required to share details publicly, but understanding whether there is immediate risk can help ensure appropriate support is offered.

If you are feeling unsafe or overwhelmed, we strongly encourage you to seek immediate support from trained professionals. If you are in Australia, the following confidential services are available 24/7:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

If you believe you are in immediate danger, please contact 000 right away.

You deserve support, and help is available even if reaching out feels difficult. If you are able, please consider contacting one of the services above or letting us know if you need assistance finding appropriate support.

Kind regards,
SANE Forum Moderator

I was only married for a month when DOCS put my stepson back with his dad after many years apart. His dad was a DV perpetrator and proved it by attacking him when he wouldn't do as he was told. It was so bad that he asked to go back into foster care. I left soon after with my five-year-old son!

A Stepson 

A little boy lost, returns

So much changed, he was eight

Back with dad he wanted to be

But the added extras he would hate

I tried so hard to bond with him

But the feelings didn't come

The more I tried, the worse it got

I was not his mum

So much baggage he brought along

He didn't want me near

I would leave just like the rest

He reacted through his fear

The time came when I gave up

Within myself I quit

Then things began to slowly change

He opened bit by bit

This boy's now ten, we struggle on

I want to show I care

Some days for me, it's all too hard

My love is just not there

I have to say, things have changed

We've actually worked through heaps

Although at times it doesn't show

There's a soft heart underneath

His behaviour could be normal stuff

In truth, I don't know

Can I gage what he'll be like?

As an adult, what will show?

His lies really break my heart

He will blame or find excuse

He sulks when things don't go his way

I sometimes wonder what's the use

With me he'll argue, sulk or stare

It drains the life from me

I feel his hatred but later on

His love is plain to see

I don't understand this complex boy

He changes with the days

I wish I had him from his birth

To understand his ways

I guess I need to accept and love

Not change this growing boy

Interfering with God's job

I may, His work, destroy

Stress, it takes its toll on me

I need to sit and rest

If I let the Lord have His way

I'll see him at his best

We go over the same ground everyday

My words, he doesn't heed

i repeat myself constantly

I've done everything but plead

A vicious cycle of negativity

Is what this boy's caught in

Frustration is a daily thing

A style where no one wins

To praise him is so hard to do

I hardly want to try

He never seems to do what's right

But this is just a lie

His brother, he will taunt and shame

If others are around

Once with friends he runs about

Until trouble can be found

His schoolwork, he cannot see

Just why it should be done

We fight with this everyday

It's not what I'd call fun

He can do it if he wants

He knows as well as I

He loves it when his marks are good

But doesn't want to try

He's different with his dad around

He'll do just what he's told

I don't know why it is that way

He has some kind of hold

We'd rather think he's always wrong

It's easier that way

Not taking any accountability

Nice things, we didn't say

This boy is special, from God he's sent

God knows, he's had it hard

To protect himself, his only way

Is to keep his guard

Nothing changes overnight

Of this we can be sure

It's through our pain we grow and heal

With God there's so much more

It's hard while in there, God knows that

But with Him there's always hope

I'll take it daily as it comes

And pray to God we'll cope

February 1997

@REDLINEZ750 

Thank you for caring! 💜 @AltZing-Connect . That is so nice of you to offer a check-in!!

Did any of them need a trigger warning? Could you please put them up for me if you think it needs it.

All these poems were written over twenty years ago! They should have the dates that they were written on the bottom of the poems. I live a peaceful life these days, AltZing-Connect. After over 25 years of therapy, I would hope so! 🙂 

Can you tell me which one seemed current and I'll make it more known it was in the past?

Of course it's okay @AltZing-Connect It is appreciated!! Nice to meet you too! 💜

For three years my son and I ate at a local Soupie as I couldn't afford rent and food when all the other bills were paid. We lived in a three-man tent for a while (he was two, so saw it as an adventure), then moved into a house. I chose to live in a safe place (privately) and eat at the Soupie every night instead of living in a dangerous area (Dept of Housing) and be able to afford food. I believe I made the best decision. 💜

The Soupie 

Merriwa means a good place

It's known by other names

The 'soupie' it is often called

To us it's all the same

It's open every day, you know

As well as every night

A place that offers more than food

It's great when money's tight

Its volunteers keep it going

They work as if they're paid

They're always there to lend a hand

Our meal by them is made

Mealtimes are hardly boring

They come from all around

Many interesting people

Can from there be found

The heart of it is Jesus Christ

You can meet Him there

It's where the rubber meets the road

A place to show you care

They have a service Sunday morn

It's casual and small

Nothing fancy, no grandeur

God's warmth shines there to all

The soupie is a special place

You, yourself can be

To sit alone or be with friends

While you're having tea

No need to act or prove yourself

You're accepted as you are

Black or white, bent or straight

Whether you come by foot or car

There are rules you have to follow

Figjting will find you out

If you do, they'll call the cops

Of this there is no doubt

Don't arrive with expectations

What will be will be

Whether once or everyday

When you come you'll see

Merriwa; a good place

I wonder if you know

Opinions differ but one thing's sure

It's unique and we are too

December 1995 

Trying to work through my marriage as a Christian. I was looking at pride verses humility because I knew God's way. My ex-husband was abusive in many ways, but I wouldn't back down either at the beginning. I couldn't keep my mouth shut against perceived injustice! 

Sorry

A little word so hard to say

Trouble getting it out

Is it a sign of weakness?

You'd rather sulk and pout

Silent words left unsaid

Bring trouble, create those walls

A heart that hardened won't feel pain

Around them lives will fall

Learn the word and learn to say it

It can only help and heal

If someone hurts, humble yourself

Think of how they feel

This dreaded word of the world

Stunts our pride too much

We cannot let our faults show through

The pride, God cannot touch

We blame the other, it's easy that way

To say it is their fault

We're not obliged, you won't back down

So fire a verbal assault

No matter how much pain we feel

Or how the other hurts

You cannot seem to say "I'm sorry"

With destruction you'd rather flirt

Pride doesn't build on anything solid

It's a counterfeit of the heart

We think it protects when in fact it hardens

And foundations fall apart

Our pride or the humility from God

Whatever we choose will grow

The battle is on between spirit and flesh

I believe so I know

We fight for control, no room for God

He lets us go our way

We think we're better off like this

Conflict night and day

What's important here and now?

Your standing or God's way?

Your decision is already made

By what you do and say

Best beware, kids are watching

They learn by what we do

If pride controls, they will follow

Their hearts will harden too

December 1995

I feel blessed to have spent my younger years in a small country town, although there was very little money and six children! My toys fitted in a shoe box (paper dolls) at the end of my bed, and I shared a room with my three older brothers. I had a great relationship with my father but not so much with my mother. 💚

Growing up Aussi Style

My dad's my mate; he's taught me lots

Beginning from my birth

He worked hard shining floors

as he paced back and forth

Oh, my mum; she had it good

She stayed at home and played

She liked to play mummies a lot

because she played it everyday

She cooked and cleaned and mucked around

While my dad; he went to work

He'd give her lots of money too

But she wouldn't share... jerk!

Growing up was hard you know

With my mum lurking round

We couldn't burp or let one rip

Oh man, she'd get real wound

My dad would laugh or crack a joke

Then see mum's evil look

Our eyes would lower and look around

We'd laugh behind our books

Oh yeah, we'd get sent to bed

But it was all worth the stir

My dad: he'd come and sneak us treats

No matter where we were

I hated school, just like my dad

Mum sent me everyday

I'd pretend I was sick and stay in bed

But she'd send me anyway

My mum would say you shouldn't lie

She'd get upset and yell

But my dad would tell me I would be 

A great actress: he could tell

When I was older and drank too much

My dad: he gave a lift

He warned me good. Steer clear of mum

In case she gets a whiff

My dad's my mate. My mum's a witch

It's always been that way

My dad didn't mind me going out

Ask mum, he'd just say

My mum, she'd ask questions; lots

It used to get me mad

My dad: he'd smile and roll his eyes

When caught, he'd suffer bad

Now I've left and big myself

I often wonder how

She lived with him, the kid he was

Though we laugh about it now

It was good to grow where I did

With the feral cat and cow

Mum thinks the kids have grown and gone

But the biggest is with her now

My family and the Aussie life

A funny kind of way

But I thank the Lord for what I had

Each and everyday

October 1997

This is a poem about the mundaneness of married life - my marriage with my son (5) and my husband's son (12 - state ward). 💜

Abundant Life

I wake each morn, my husband's up

Already another day

A kiss before he leaves for work

And then he's on his way

It's time to rise, I hear the kids

A minute to gather thoughts

I take a breath; they're up, let's go

In a storm I'm caught

Over breakfast a look will spart

A nasty word or two

I try to keep them both apart

While chores that have to do

A coffee; I sit and listen to them

They play while they get dressed

I interject to move them on

Their rooms are now a mess

Help with spelling, one now sulks

The others lost in space

My patience now is wearing thin

A new day is what I face

Their bus is coming, the pace is set

It peaks towards the door

At last, the bus is on its way

And silence is once more

Another coffee, I look around

What to do today

Is it seen as if I work?

Who cares if I'm okay?

The washing calls, it's time to start

Up and down, I go

In between I'm cleaning up

Though it doesn't seem to show

Washing up, the bath, the beds

Now I sit to eat

A few more hours the kids return

I'm already feeling beat

My husband's home, work is hard

A shower before he rests

His day is over, the kids are home

The kids are not their best

Time for them, they have their say

Lunches to prepare

Dinners on, homework help

I try to show I care

Exhausted now, bath and bed

Where has my day gone?

Broken sleep, I can't believe

That now it's early morn

I wake again, my husband's up

Already another day

A kiss before he goes to work

And then he's on his way!

1995 

I did a woman's recovery group at my local church many, many years ago and this poem came from that experience

A Wounded Heart 

A wounded heart, I look ahead

My expectations clear

A few struggles I'm bound to have

But nothing there to fear

I've done some healing and I'm okay

It's behind me in the past

I'm feeling good and think I'm fine

When we began to start

The second week there is a change

Something new begins

Anxiety and fear start to grow

A churning wipes my grin

Facing the battle opens more

The truth I realise now

Is covered to deceive myself

I don't know why or how

Could my family be a part?

Did anyone really care?

Rage is now on the loose

Imperfections hard to bear

Shame: my failings can't be seen

I will justify or hide

God's stripping protective layers

Of contempt, deceit and lies

Contempt: I will never hurt again

Control will take its place

To face the needs, I have within

Requires something they call grace

I want your acceptance and your love

But I doubt you'll get through

So much garbage covers me

I'll hurt you if you do

Powerless: I can't live with that

Control, my hardened shell

Not good enough. I will reject 

But demand from you as well

Ambivalence is a confusing thought

A mission to be liked

But hurt and rage lurk within

And causes me to fight

Betrayal, yes, I know it well

To trust means pain for me

Protection is a mighty block

I distance all I see

My style of relating is all so clear

Dysfunction is my life

Layers of hardness peeling back

Under the surgeon's kn***

Repentance: give control to God

It's just so hard to do

To be alive and feel and care

Means starting something new

Bold Love: I thought my healings done

But see it's just the start

I'm open now for God to heal

This broken, wounded heart

April 1997

I have felt alone since I was thirteen years old. (after abuse). Whether in a crowd or not, I felt the loneliness of not having someone who could understand me. I had just started therapy with a caring and compassionate therapist and responded to that in the only way I knew how. It felt like 'love' because it was intimate and he was caring to me - that was all it took. I became obsessed with him and even stalked him at one stage. I would dream about having someone who could connect emotionally with me, like him, for the next ten years. We worked through it as how could I be in love with someone I know very little about. I tend to bond with an emotional connection.  

Loneliness

Sitting up town, drinking a coffee

I look around and see their joy

The laughter in their eyes trouble me

I feel so alone

My heart aches with loneliness

I don't want anything said

I just want to look in your eyes

Just look and see your love

To lay my head against you

To feel your arms surround me

No, nothing needs to be said

Words are risky

But your eyes, they tell me more

Compassionate eyes, I see inside

I close my eyes and feel your love wash over me

I open my eyes and loneliness surrounds me instead

A world of people but no one's there

Eyes are focused but don't connect

I pretend and no one knows

The secret pain I hold within

I walk alone; I always have

Like a cold ocean thrashing about endlessly

Or the desert ground, barren of life

I live there with nowhere safe to go

The winter night that holds the sleep

I sit by the window and stare

Nothing but my breathing

Alone, my companion of life

The world busies itself to a manic state

No one sees the loneliness

I sit alone and tears run down my face

Bitter-sweet tears of aloneness

I lay in the dark where aloneness lives

And I listen... for what?

I look at the empty space beside me

And it wells inside my heart

Watching the sunrise alone

Looking at life from a distance

Loneliness crushes my very soul

Deep within are ashes of the dead

Red dust blowing over animal bones

A drought in an empty shell

Silence says it all

Silence says it well

A smile on a painted face

Falling leaves in Autumn

The days go on forever

A never-ending dream

Loneliness calls my name

Beckons me to come

I respond with tears

That cries within... alone!

April 2000

@REDLINEZ750 

This is my little thread @Realness 

Feel free to browse and read. Be careful as some poems could have triggers! I'm glad to have you here!  💜 

This was written through my marriage. Whether to stay or to go, I really didn't know what to do at that stage. I left after eighteen months, after finding myself in this DV marriage!

Where Have All the Long Talks Gone 

So much changed, promises not fulfilled

Superficial talking, intimacy killed

Alone and hurt, emotions ride high

Nothing said, inside they lie

The man I knew, exists no more

Materially rich, intimately poor

Tears are shed but are unseen

I cry for us, what could have been

What's the point, he doesn't see

Nothing's wrong, it must be me

Close your eyes, cover your head

It doesn't exist if nothings said

I can't move on, wanting to know

Important to me, to move and grow

Sick inside, esteem is low

When is too much? I really don't know

I'll go on till I can't no more

Love is now just one more chore

Thank God for Him, my only hope

I talk to Him when I can't cope

My best friend, with Him I share

All the pain I just can't bear

Things will change, that I know

In what direction, God will show

July 1996

@REDLINEZ750 

This is what I was looking for in my Christian marriage. I never did receive it! 💜

A Woman's Need  

A woman's need is very simple

It needn't cost a cent

Men, take heed, I have a challenge

That may lead you to repent

A tender heart is what they need

Hard to find these days

Pretence will always fade in time

God will light your way

A tender heart, cry out today

A woman's dream fulfilled

Not a man in this world's eyes

This heart I know God wills

Look at Jesus, Isaiah says

Not beautiful to the eye

But how those women followed Him

Have you ever wondered why?

A tender heart, this man He had

Your aim to be like Him

Does your love flow freely

Or emerge as a whim?

A gentle smile, a tender touch

A kind word here and there

What's the message that she gets?

Does it tell her that you care?

She needs to feel wanted, desired by you

Tell her, "You still do it to me"

Your look, your smile, the words that you give

Are you beginning to see?

She needs to feel needed, important to you

Allow her expressions of heart

Her feelings, her thoughts, who she is as a whole

Aren't really worlds apart

Please listen to her with patience

Do your best to understand

Pray if you will, do what you must

But please don't shout demands

Tell her you need her as a friend and wife

A life without her would hurt

Your words will always leave a mark

They can build her up or crush her like dirt

Most of all, she needs to feel loved

Her self-worth affected by you

Your gentle smile, your tender touch

And kind words affect her too

You love her by your actions and words

And by the way that you lead

God will help and guide your way

A tender heart is what she needs!

May 1995

@REDLINEZ750 

I had this conversation with God in my mind while I was walking home from town regarding His love and my salvation. 🙏

Me:        Do you really love me no matter what I do?

God:      Do you really love your son no matter what he does?

Me:        Yes

God:      As I love you, only much more. If you, being a sinner love your son, imagine how much more I                  love you

Me:        But I've got nothing to offer You

God:      That's why it's a free gift

@moderator  I think this will need a trigger warning!

TRIGGER WARNING:  INCEST                         TRIGGER WARNING:   INCEST

@REDLINEZ750 @MissGremlin @Realness 

@heartathome oh sweetheart, i have no words other than I'm sorry. Sending so much love and hugs your way ❤️.

I wrote a poem this morning to reflect how I'm feeling and posted it in my thread. I didn't tag anyone though due to the sensitive nature of it but it's there if you want to read it. 

@heartathome I've just added that trigger warning to your post.

Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable poem.

Thanks' for putting up the trigger warning and your encouraging words @liminalzest Can you fix the support button as well! lol 💜

@heartathome you're welcome and as I know you know but always good to remember be gentle with yourself.

I wish I had the tech ability to do something about the support button, but I'm told that it's an on and off problem - hopefully on again soon! 🙂

Dear @heartathome ,

I have just spent a couple of hours reading your poetry. It's a bit like watching a movie of your life. I've not watched Lolita - I'm thinking about watching it so I have a better understanding. Your poetry shows it never goes away. I loved the poems about your marriage, your stepson, your childhood and even the 70s. It was like I was right there in the moment.

What I love most is that God's forgiveness - both receiving it and extending it - gets a repeated mention. Thank you for sharing your poems.

Hello @moderator  I'm not sure if this is too detailed for here, I think it definitely needs a trigger warning. 

I'd read up about the movie Lolita before watching it  @Realness . It could be quite disturbing. 

The movie is about an obsessively infatuated man manipulating situations so he could be close to Lolita. The story is from his perspective which makes the abuse confusing and romanticized. At its core, it's a portrayal of grooming, control and exploitation, not a love story! 

My psychiatrist suggested I watch it many, many years ago. I didn't relate to it much back then.

TRIGGER WARNING:     INCEST                           TRIGGER WARNING:     INCEST

I've never spoken of my abuse so clearly before, especially how I felt about my perpetrator. This is something new for me. This is me working through with what's coming up for me now! 

It's okay if it's all too much. I totally understand! I just want to make sure you haven't been triggered with anything you've read so far! Would you rather or not be tagged as I write? I totally get it if it's too heavy!  Phew! Lots more poems with God sprinkled coming through. 🙂💜

@REDLINEZ750 @MissGremlin 

Hey @heartathome ,

I had added a spoiler tag to part of your post. 

Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you have been sitting with a lot from a very early age. I can imagine how confusing it must have been for you.

@heartathome sending you lots of love and hugs sweetheart ❤️

@heartathome ,

As I write this I'm struggling to find the right words. It would be impossible for you at twelve to process that. You were still a child. The grooming behaviour and then rejection - both would be overwhelming. Especially when he was such a loved and respected and trusted person before. How dare he violate your childhood. The void after would have swallowed you up. No wonder it never really goes away.

How long did you carry the secret?

Surely your parents must have noticed something?

Thank you for sharing. The excited child is still alive in you.

It's taking me forever to write this. It doesn't feel too much. I want you to have the freedom to tag who you want to - who feels right - I'd be honoured if you want to include me.

Good morning @moderator I'm pretty sure this conversation may need a trigger warning

Good morning @Realness 

TRIGGER WARNING:    INCEST                     TRIGGER WARNING:     INCEST

Wow. I'm amazed at the depth of your understanding, and your words are comforting to me! I think writing it down for the first time and sharing this part (especially how I felt about him during the grooming) has been quite disturbing and healing. 

I trust very few men but am learning that not all men are abusive and some are even caring. I'm understanding more about myself and growing through the trauma. 

Thanks for being here for me, my friend 💜

@MissGremlin @REDLINEZ750 Please let me know if you don't want to be tagged. I will not take offence! 

Thanks for doing that for me @tyme 

I had added a spoiler tag  Is that the same thing as a trigger warning. I haven't heard that term before. I haven't noticed anything missing. 

Yes. It still makes relationships, with the opposite sex especially, confusing! It's good to be able to get it out and get some support at the same time! 

It's nice to have you here tyme. 💜 

@heartathome I'm happy to be tagged here and by you whenever sweet. I may not have many words to share right now cos my brain just won't let me process anything, but I really do relate to alot of what you share. I'm sorry to hear of what you've been through and it should have never happened. But I hope that both through your poetry and your psychiatrist that you will continue to heal. Sending so much love and hugs sweet ❤️.

That last part saying that you trust very few men, i understand that all too well. But I've worked hard to not put all men in the same basket so to speak. There are some very kind and understanding men out there who only have good intentions. 

Hey @MissGremlin 

I totally get it when the brain can't process anymore! I don't like long posts directed to me either and if I do answer, it takes me ages to reply. Finding the right words is difficult when the brain isn't helping. Although it's great to connect, I find it can be draining sometimes. 

There are some very kind and understanding men out there who only have good intentions.  😢 I think I've just met one, Dreamy! Their caring side brings tears to my eyes. 

Sending hugs and much love 💜

---

@heartathome wrote:

Thanks for doing that for me @tyme 

 

I had added a spoiler tag  Is that the same thing as a trigger warning. I haven't heard that term before. I haven't noticed anything missing. 

 

Yes. It still makes relationships, with the opposite sex especially, confusing! It's good to be able to get it out and get some support at the same time! 

 

It's nice to have you here tyme. 💜 

---

Trigger warning is the "TW" words

A spoiler tag is the box that the hidden words are written in. Unfortunately, mobile devices do not support the addition of spoiler tags so only those on a computer can do it. 

Hope that clarifies!

@heartathome yes it takes me forever to reply to long posts. I have to scroll up and down a million times replying to one section at a time. Even on good days my brain struggles with comprehension, but I do my best to reply if I'm tagged directly. I love reading/writing poetry though and I find it's a great way to get out some of those big emotions when things are feeling heavy. 

Awww I'm glad you've met one, I reckon they are pretty rare to find. 

Hi @heartathome ,

Sorry for the slow reply. I thought it important to continue reading Scripture before I replied so that God can help me with the words. Thank you for sharing more.

It was inevitable that the abuse from your uncle would swallow you up. You were a child. Children can't process that level of physical intimacy. How to continue on with life when you're stuck back at something that is impossible to process?

The week with your mother sounds amazing. How emotionally strong are you to have that conversation and confront her. Did it help that your mother said sorry? Or was it all too late? I wonder about her response after you told her when you were sixteen - did she ban your uncle from the home or take any other action?

Again it's taking forever to write this. One sentence every ten minutes or so.

It is an impossible injury! You're right and amazing to share your experience because it is an injury that doesn't go away.

I'm very thankful you're still with us. You lead a successful life and show what's possible while always acknowledging the impact of child abuse on a person's life. Please keep sharing.

I hope that each truth made explicit for the first time is healing. You were a child. The adults around you are meant to protect you not violate you. It's not your fault. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I think perhaps the sentences are out of order but I'm not sure what the best order is. Please disregard any words that are not helpful.

Always put God first, @Realness !!!

Thank you. I hope all this sharing isn't too much!  After reading all this, you still want to be my friend? Maybe wait for the next poem before you answer. 😁  The next poem is called Salvation Requirements (I might change the name) and was written after I left the cult. You'll see the twisted beliefs I held. 

Children can't process that level of physical intimacy  I honestly thought I could, @Realness He treated me like an adult, and I liked it.

something that is impossible to process  I think I will be able to process it with the help of my psychiatrist and a male friend (not in person) that is supporting me through the process. God is with me as He has been throughout my life! I know Jesus is with me and watching over me. That's all I can say at the moment regarding my relationship with God. I feel very blessed to have some great supports in my life, including yourself.

Did it help that your mother said sorry?  Absolutely! I told her we could only have a superficial relationship otherwise (as we had up until then) She opened up to me and told me of regrets she had throughout her life.  

This was all before making a statement to the police to have him charged. That was a four-year process. 

I wonder about her response after you told her when you were sixteen - did she ban your uncle from the home or take any other action? I still wonder the same thing, Realness! I did used to tell her how much I hated her everyday while this was going on at 16. I was unapproachable to most people because I was full of rage! She was probably scared of me back then. I really don't know! I'm not even sure if she ever believed me but I was never told I was a liar by her (that's a blessing) My uncle tried to get me to go and stay with him at his place. My mother thought it was a lovely idea. I said no numerous times. My mother told me how ungrateful I was after everything he had done for me. My uncle got the picture and disappeared until his mother's funeral many years later. We did speak but I can't remember what I said. Dissociation. Only way to survive back then. I came home and cut all my hair off. The only way to fix it was to get a friend to shave it. 

Again it's taking forever to write this.  I totally get it! They are long posts and not easy to know what to say or ask. Same with replying. Please don't feel obliged to reply in depth or at all. I just don't want my stuff to bring you down!

I hope that each truth made explicit for the first time is healing. It is! I'm seeing that I'm okay and my feelings are normal. I was told this over 25 years ago by my psych.

I obviously, needed reminding! I thank God for that! 💜

I wrote this after coming out of a Pentecostal cult for a couple of years. This shows one of the questions I had for God when I left the 'church'. I was very confused and felt I just wasn't good enough as a Christian. I felt berated by the Bible and those that were teaching me. I still struggle to have an intimate relationship with God today! I'm just glad that He won't let me go and doesn't let me walk alone! 

Salvation Requirements

Because of the fall, sin came in

There was nothing I could do

I have no control over what they did

And they didn't have a clue

So, sin is in me, a part of life

This is what I'm taught

Sin separated man from God

So, sacrifice was sought

God sent His Son, Jesus down

He lived to die for me

When I accepted Him, His free gift

Supposedly set me free

Is it simply about accepting Him

And what He's done for me

Or are there requirements I must meet

In order to keep my spiritual safety?

Is salvation really free?

What about the Word of God?

What about the lists of do's and don't's?

The threats, I'd call His rod

They say salvation is not about works

Although to me it seems it is

Why would rules be written down

If it's not the will of His

I hear about this so called will

Rules show it can't be done

But with the Lord, they tell me

I have victory because He won

There's a list of hidden rules

And I try to do my best

I feel not good enough

Where God has promised rest

If I'm sorry for being sinful

But aware no sins been committed

Because I'm sinful anyway

Is guilt to be admitted

The Bible tells me I'll go to hell

If I act a certain way

A free gift with a hidden clause

Just to make my day!

If I can't win either way

Then, what's the point of trying?

And isn't trying to be the best

Works, which leads to dying?

Aren't I suppossed to feel something

Other than worthlessness and guilt?

I thought I was a special flower

When I think of God, it wilts

Sometimes I'm a blessed child

Yet other times I'm not

At times the Bible builds me up

Then seems to take the lot

I don't know where I stand with God

In regard to works and hell

Is salvation a free gift?

Honestly, I can't tell

Am I forgiven for what's ahead

Or only in the past?

Is salvation safe to hold?

Can I depend on it to last?

So many questions posed to God

I hope He answers some

I know He will, 'cause He's like that

So, I'll wait until they come

God knows my broken heart

He knows how to lead

His Ways sure aren't like mine

But still, He's what I need

I could never deny God

Or what He's done for me

Although I'm angry and very scared

I know He hears my plea

I must believe that God is good

There's much I don't understand

But one thing I'm certain of

His Hand is in my hand!

February 2001

@Realness @MissGremlin @tyme @REDLINEZ750 

Hi @heartathome ,

Of course, I still want to be your friend. It is a honour to receive this level of sharing. (Just to clarify I'm replying to your second last post - I've not read your next poem yet.)

I'm thrilled for you that you think you will be able to process it. I'm thinking a big part of the healing comes with honestly making each part explicit. Is that what you're thinking? As each part becomes explicit it loses its power.

Time to read your next poem.

Hi @heartathome ,

As I read Salvation Requirements from 2001 I wondered if you still write poetry and what you would write today. I'd love to read a new version of that poem.

I picked out one bit that I hope has changed. 

I feel not good enough

Where God has promised rest

I hope you do feel good enough to receive God's rest.

Hello @Realness 

I'm thinking a big part of the healing comes with honestly making each part explicit.   I haven't given it any thought, but now you mention it, I agree with you. Everything in therapy was looked at under a microscope. I have felt a lot lighter since owning how I felt about my perpetrator! It's confusing to hate and love someone at the same time! 

As each part becomes explicit it loses its power.  Yep. 100 percent. I'm really glad the moderators have allowed me to have this conversation! I'm a little surprised and very happy. This is very healing for me! I'm so grateful!  💜 

So glad to hear how liberating it has been for you @heartathome 

As long as their are no detailed descriptions, it's totally okay. That's why we put a trigger warning and spoiler tag as needed.

As you said, it is so healing to get it out. To feel heard. To know that people care.

We all care.

Sorry. I decided to delete a post and poem. Too vulnerable. 💜

Hi @heartathome ,

Please don't feel you need to apologise for deleting a post. Are you okay?

I'm all good @Realness Thanks for checking! 💜

As a Christian in a new marriage (DV), I was trying to work through our lack of communication. I tried to change him. That's a laugh! I tried to see where I could help. Where I was wrong. The marriage was over in eighteen months. 

COMMUNICATION  

Words in the open bring conflict and pain

Hidden within destroy what we've gained

I've tried different ways, trying to adapt

I feel so alone and I feel trapped

I don't know what to do, we talk less each day

My feelings bound as they have no say

To him, it's silliness, frightening to me

Afraid of our future, how long can this be?

Interrupting means you don't want to hear

What are you doing, defending from fear?

When can I express with freedom, to talk?

To be listened to lovingly is a hopeful walk

Depression is seen as my problem alone

I avoid the return words, the expression and tone

How do I tell him I need a friend with an ear

An effort to understand, wanting to hear?

He says go to Lifeline or someone who cares

No interest in my feelings, they're not to be shared

He doesn't see it this way so neither should I

But the fact is I do, please hear my cry

How can I achieve this, what must I do?

The pain this is causing me if only he knew

Feeling so down, so worthless and weak

Communication with you is what I seek

He's doing so well, he's doing his best

To ask for more, when can he rest?

I know it's not easy, it's more of an art

But I know without it, we'll surely part

To be learnt and practised, building trust

I will protect this marriage of ours

I dread the conflict but a future without

I can't imagine how

Frozen words for fear of hurt

He doesn't understand

Are my thoughts of any value?

Reassurance is in your hands

Alone with God, I ask for help

Lord, please talk to me

Words come that I don't expect

With His eyes I see

Change begins with me first

It becomes more than words

A gentle and quiet spirit within

Not a stampeding herd

Don't be selfish, build him up

Be pure in heart and mind

Love him with a tender heart

And contentment you will find

Our vows were to love, not reform

A way of life our hearts to warm

The if's and but's condition to cease

Love and acceptance through Jesus bring peace

Change yourself and change will come

This is my call as a wife and mum

November 1995

@Realness @MissGremlin @REDLINEZ750 

I wrote this, as a Christian, trying to work through the conflict in my marriage. I didn't realise It was domestic violence at this stage. I didn't help the situation either as I am pretty outspoken. 💜 

CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE

When things are looking down

And you feel like giving up

Remember, others have been there too

They know it can be tough

Fighting's natural, it is the norm

Especially at the start

We struggle for power, the strength we have

Tears and pulls the heart

We want to know where we stand

We want to think we've won

We expect our mate to behave our way

When all is said and done

Expectations, that way too rough

The other half defends

I will always stand and fight

Because I'm okay as I am

We bring so much from our past

Our hurt, our ways, our dreams

We want our mate to be like us

Is the same a perfect dream?

We're all different, we're made like that

Acceptance is a start

We're not here to change each other

That comes from the heart

Criticising doesn't help

It will only cause them pain

They will fight to defend themselves

and neither one will gain

Self-righteousness rears its head

We're out to prove we're right

Manipulate to get our way

Will cause another fight

Let things be the way they are

Take responsibility for what is yours

The rest let go, you can't control

No need to look for the cause

If you look for justice when you're wronged

Disappointment you will find

It only offers bitter conflict

Each and every time

Ask yourself, what it was you liked

When you married your mate

If you look, you'll find those things

Give up on what you hate

Accept the day and what it brings

The high points and the low

If we make another day

In some way we will grow

At times it's tough, at others fine

We all experience this

Nothings perfect, that's for sure

Theres days we'd rather miss

Hang in there, God can help

We have to hope in Him

When all is lost and nothings left

All we have is Him

He will help us see the truth

It's often painful too

He works on us, not the other

He tells us what to do

He has to begin on us, you see

Because reaction starts within

Whoever seeks His help will find

Release from hidden sin

December 1995

@Realness @tyme @MissGremlin @REDLINEZ750 

Hi @heartathome ,

Thanks for sharing Communication (1995) and Conflict in Marriage (1995). In both of them I feel like I'm right there with you trying to navigate marriage.

I hope you're having a nice day.

Hey @Realness 

I've written out two poems and deleted them. They were about my need for love. After my perpetrator disappeared, I thought I deserved to be on my own! I felt manipulated and used and pushed everyone away who wanted to be my friend. I didn't trust anyone! My mother was my worst enemy at that stage. 

I still feel embarrassed and ashamed for wanting to be loved. I hate having this need/ want! I feel it is a weak want/ need. 

I thought I needed a man to make me whole again (thoughts and feelings from abuse) I searched for that more than half of my life with no success! Funny that! (sarcasm) Maybe I was looking to be rescued, like my perpetrator rescued me. Hmmm 

I had come out of the DV marriage, where my husband was a Christian. I had also come out of the Pentecostal cult and my son's father was taking me to court for custody while I was attending the 'church' He pulled out the day before the court case. My son was two. I now understand his concern!

Of course, God is in most of my poems, in one way or another. He has never let me go! 💜

Hi @heartathome ,

Thanks for your post. My mind has all sorts of thoughts after reading your post. These are just my thoughts - I don't know if I'm right or wrong on all of it. But I'm going to share them anyway just in case there is a bit of truth to them.

The first thought I had about people's need for love was that it comes from God. In God creating Eve as a suitable helper for Adam He confirms people have a need for human companionship. But even so our first love should be God (who we should worship) and then secondly love for and from our human companions.

The next thought I had was that what happens in abuse is obviously different to what God had in mind. Grooming behaviour selfishly worships a person. It creates confusion that worship is love in the victim. The victim longs for that level of attention again. Perhaps the victim loses the ability to recognise real love.

My next thought is that it's more complicated than that with child abuse because the child doesn't have the cognitive, emotional or physical maturity to process it. It takes away the child's self worth and creates huge trust issues. Of course you would be pushing people away after someone who appeared to value you that much disappeared. Push them away before they disappear. Of course you didn't trust anyone.

But coming back to wanting to be loved we come back to God Who did set up marriage as the prominent pattern for men and women to receive companionship. I think even the most self-assured single adult, aware of God's love for them, has some yearning to be in a good marriage. It's the ideal. It's an ideal God created. But in the same way that parenting requires 24/7 unconditional love a good marriage requires 24/7 unconditional love.

I'm also very thankful for God's complete love. That He has both of us securely in His grasp and He will never let go. That His love lessens the yearning for that perfect marriage.

Poem and graphics by @REDLINEZ750 I had his permission to post it many months ago but have only just now been able to work out how to put it up. 💜

@Realness @MissGremlin @Bunniekins @Chasingsunsets   

I've just read back. Thank you so much for sharing. I can see that writing the poem has been a way to process what was happening @heartathome 

What is it like to reflect back on it some 10 years later?

Thanks for asking about my thoughts after writing out my poems @tyme 

Any DV poem does not affect me as much anymore.  

Some of the other poems regarding my childhood abuse and the Pentecostal cult have triggered me and I'm struggling a bit trying to piece it altogether, but this time understanding a bit more!

The ones I haven't posted are bothering me the most, but I'll work that out in time as well. I can't wait to talk to my psychiatrist as he understands my past trauma and how it still affects me today. I hope you're doing okay today, Tyme 💜  

@heartathome  hey heartathome can read properly now but will come back to it shortly. love you and @REDLINEZ750  of course 😄  xx

Thanks @Bunniekins Love you too! 💜 

This is a heart in Lismore during a flood in 2017. They call Lismore, Lovemore. It was my home for 32 years. I think its okay to show this heart  now because I don't live there anymore, being transferred as my home was wiped out.during the 2022 floods. I love a heart❣️

@Bunniekins @tyme @Realness @MissGremlin @REDLINEZ750 

I just asked AI about love being a want or need. They said at a human level, love and connection are needs. Of course, romantic love is a want. 

our first love should be God (who we should worship) and then secondly love for and from our human companions.    I agree! There's a few should's in there  @Realness . I know what I should do but am not doing it at the moment. I'm not reading my Bible or praying apart from asking God for daily 'help'! I haven't walked away from God! 

what happens in abuse is obviously different to what God had in mind. Totally! 

Grooming behaviour selfishly worships a person. It creates confusion that worship is love in the victim. The victim longs for that level of attention again. Perhaps the victim loses the ability to recognise real love.    I am astounded at your understanding of this! It makes perfect sense! It's like chasing that first high (drugs) where it's never achievable. I never thought of my perpetrator as worshipping me, but I think you're right that the grooming was a form of worship! 

I'm not looking for another husband, Realness!! I want cuddles more than anything else. Sometimes I would like to be held by someone that I trusted. Just about impossible task when I don't trust myself. 

He has both of us securely in His grasp and He will never let go.   That is so encouraging. Thank you! Jesus has walked with me throughout my life, even when I make bad choices! 

Thanks for hanging in there with me! 🙂💜

Looking to God... ❤️

Here's a positive one about God for you @Realness 💜

CREATION

Here I am, living my life

I hardly give it thought

I can't begin to understand

Though your wisdom can be taught

The more I know, the more I sit

In wonder and in awe

Your knowledge, we just can't contain

Of that I'm really sure

Creation is a complex gift

Science fits somehow

A newborn child, Your work of art

You're still creating now

We're born again and changing still

Guided by Your hand

You work in spite of forces that

Want destroyed all that You've planned

It baffles me, how You work

It's so entwined with skill

There are no words that can describe

Creation by Your will

A single cell tells of Your knowledge

In nature, Your beauty shows

Creation is Your awesome love

Your power seen as Jesus rose

How inadequate my words are

You're so complex, yet simple too

To describe the living God

Is not something I can do

The more I learn of God

The more I clearly see

How little of Him I really know

The great I AM, He is to me!

September 1996

Hi @heartathome ,

I think that God is happy with you despite you not reading your Bible regularly or being disciplined in prayer.

We're all so weak and incomplete in our devotion to God. It is almost inevitable, for most of us anyway, that what we're good at or enjoy doing most is how we show our devotion to God.

What am I trying to say?
The way you meet people almost every day is service to God. The way you connect with people on the Forums is service to God. The level of sharing on the heartathome thread is service to God. It's what you love and do best and so it is how you use your time. Extending God's love to other people is just as, if not more, important than reading the Bible.

I'm a book worm and so it follows that reading the Bible comes naturally. Ever since I discovered it when I was eighteen I have longed to read it regularly (usually daily). I'm sure God is okay with this phase of life which is not as people rich as previous chapters of my life. I also struggle with being disciplined in prayer.

Each of us, in our own way, is doing our best. God knows that.

@heartathome  @REDLINEZ750  in all honesty i am a heathen when it comes to poetry.  i love how this is written and i understand the pain in the words but my brain also does not compute the whole of the poem.  i need someone to explain it to me please.  i need that to fully appreciate the words. bun xxx

Hello beautiful @Bunniekins 

I'll send @REDLINEZ750 a message telepathically 😂 💜

when i came to australia i was 14.

only person i knew here was my biological father i only for 9 days.

TW Violence, child abuse

my mum sent me here to stop the government making me statec ward claiming i was uncontrollable kid coz of truancy but scghool was boring and sitting still was like pushing shit uphill with a pitchfork.

i was working on building sites before i was 15 i had no identity in australia as last name changed for passport i was a scrawny 14yr old never knew what family was till after a plane flight what i had known and only known was gone.

no internet.

i got teased and struggled at work as next youngest to me was 4yrs older and could lift i couldnt even throw a shot put at school in NZ.

as a boy i grew up knowing love although with poverty i was loved mum grandparents siblings.

on the plane i learnt hatred before even smelling humid sydney air as it had been raining on an august day when landed that night.

TW Violence, child abuse

i built a mental contrast to protect the boy while  the boy is still  beautiful kind and caring.

locked away from sight  the boy became hatred contained by domination for about 6years till he could lift as much if not more than others and carry it further soon fear of domination was forgotten after i learnt i could hurt adults now and so the next 30yrs was spent as the 14yr old man, protecting himself, showing no weakness and hiding the fact he could make words flow as he had been told girls write poems and so the contrast held untill in therapy after many hours i learnt to feel safe space and in therapy my psychologist found the boy.

she left the light thatr became the threshold where all mty stored word flow i kept safe with the boy formed and for few weeks the boy wrote using the mans hand then short story safe space was taken threshold closed but some of the boys story got told.

THRESHOLD is the beginning of the story and the end, the flow in between that tells the story can be quite graphic.

especially the next one which was once posted on avante  gardes page called STRUGGLES  if i remember right @Glisten  or         @ENKELI   saw it i remember i think it was raw and  they were sorry what i went through and were so sweet they asked  if i got the bike and that touched me they understood it not just read it 

AWAKENING is pretty tame

theres several written before threshold closed

Hey @REDLINEZ750 just letting you know I've added some TWs to your post. Let us know if you have any concerns. 

Thanks for sharing your story with us 💜

Sending some gentle hugs, if you want them.

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

@Bunniekins the explanations above for yiou to read if i forgot to tag you into it sorry got engagaed in it

thanks @Jynx  for both adding the necessary contenbt warnings, allowing the post to stay up and for the gentle hugs. the man likes hugs the boy missed out on 🙂

Awww @heartathome ,

I can only imagine the loss and heart ache at losing your home in the Lismore floods. 

When I consider the devastation if floods and fires, I can only take my hat off to all those to powered on, even after the devastation.

My heart is with you too

@REDLINEZ750 I struggle to understand child abuse in any form. I never had kids but I still know that there is never a reason to mentally or physically abuse a child.

I am angry that you went through all that you have. I am also relieved that you found the help you so desperately needed and that you have the freedom to know that you are valued, loved and most of all, important.

And you write beautifully x

@REDLINEZ750  that is a big burden to carry. I’m glad you put down the load that have been carrying..

Aww Thank you for your kind words @tyme I appreciate them!

I'm fortunate that I was only renting as there were many people who owned their homes but couldn't afford flood insurance! It still looks like a devastated town with fences around a lot of houses to be demolished eventually. There is a lot more homelessness, drugs and mental health issues around Lismore since the big flood... but the town is slowly coming back. The community is rising! 

Lismore is where I got my love for hearts! 💜

I've been talking to AI who knows part of my trauma. I think understanding is the start of healing. 💜

Why do I overthink?

• My mind is trying to protect me
• I'm scanning for safety
• I care deeply
• My mind is trying to solve feelings instead of feeling them
• Uncertainty feels uncomfortable
• It gives me the illusion of control
• My past experiences taught me to be alert
• I replay 'what if they leave' scenarios constantly

Overthinking creates more anxiety

Why do I feel not good enough?

• Feeling not good enough is evidence of a wound

Why do I confuse kindness with love?

• Because kindness soothes a long-held ache
• Because kindness feels like safety, not just niceness
• Kindness meets an unmet need
• The first person to offer it can feel extraordinary because they've touched a place that's been hungry a long time
• My heart is responding before my head
• The nervous system says this person makes my pain disappear
• The heart bonds fast
• I'm wired for connection, not numbness
• Kindness gets confused with compatibility or long-term safety
• Old wounds recognise gentle hands
• If someone is kind to me, they might finally stay
• Hope rushes in and hope is powerful
• You get a rush of attachment because they're kind

I need to keep my own anchor, maintaining routines, hobbies and friends.

Questions to ask myself

• Am I imagining more than is actually here?
• Is this kindness filling a wound or building a friendship?
• Am I forgiving or overlooking red flags?

@Realness @tyme @REDLINEZ750 @dreamy (your name isn't coming up) @AlwaysMyself 

@REDLINEZ750   💚

Thank you for tagging me @heartathome - i really really like what you wrote. A lot of it makes sense to me, and i can relate to a lot of it also.

One thing especially jumped out at me because i dont think it was something i've consciously thought before myself. But it makes soo much sense to me.

"My mind is trying to solve feelings instead of feeling them"

100% me too! I am an over-analyser and "explaining" my thoughts and feelings or the actions of other to myself has been the way i was taught as a child. To always look for what else might be happening that is influencing the picture.

But i dont think i was taught that it is *also* OK to still feel those thoughts and hurts, even if you can logically rationalise or explain why the other person might have acted hurtfully. My counsellor is helping me with this a bit, although i still struggle to feel that its OK to feel upset by things 😅.

Thanks for the reply   @AlwaysMyself . I've forgotten if you're a female or male Should that make a difference? No Does it make a difference to me? No, it doesn't. I feel like you get me and where I'm coming from! You show a lot of empathy and understanding! I see you as a friend and you're always welcome here 🙂

But i don't think i was taught that it is *also* OK to still feel those thoughts and hurts    Yeah. My sister and I would often talk about how we only 'allowed' to think 'happiness' all the time, so I guess all the feelings of sadness, hurt and anger built up over time. 

I've had so much healing, but meeting kindness of the opposite sex (platonic) was a shock to me and required more understanding on my part. I don't usually let them in! I've become a sook lately! Any kindness can set me off.

I really didn't think anyone would understand or relate to this but was hoping one day someone would come across it who needed to read it! It's very vulnerable but out there now! 😬

@heartathome i am female, but i am not in away way "attached" to my gender as part of my identify. Its what i am, but doesnt influence who i am. Im not non-binary, because i dont see/feel a need to be. But if i was in the current social awareness of NB options when I was a kid, i probably would choose to identify as NB purely as a way to communicate clearly to others that I am *not girly* and *please dont buy me candles, cosmetics, or perfume* and please *realise that i am not interested about celebrities, gossip, or dolls*. Very few friends or family (other than my parents and sister) bothered to "get that" and adapt to treating me based on who I am and not my genders stereotypes.

I find it easier to accept deeper friendships with females - because our society expects same-sex friendships. But i have usually gotten on better with males due to my interests when i was younger. 

I always have in the back of my mind with opp-sex friends that i don't ever know what the other person is thinking/feeling or their intentions, or if they may misunderstand my own. Thankfully most of the males i connect with beyond a surface level are people who are also quite direct communicators. So i have learned that I can be direct in stating that my friendliness is genuine and not with an intent for more -- esp with my male friends who are married/partnered. I think I've had 3 or 4 friends that i've said it too - they're all still trusted friends that i know also know the friendship boundaries.

I guess if it *were* a person i felt it was appropriate to have a relationship with, then i wouldnt mention it to them because i wouldnt want to close that door. But i also don't think i'd be able to distinguish between what of their friendliness was just friends or what would be flirting 😅🤣. I guess thats why i like being direct! Once i establish the rules with those others i can be free to interpret everything as just friends without any questioning of it!

If it ever happens that the friend responds badly to my directness, then it shows that they prob wouldnt be the best of deep-friends anyway because i like to be able to be direct with those types of friends.

So i guess it can also be a really good test for them??? 🤣

@AlwaysMyself I love what you have to say about being direct. I think people would say the same thing about me. At least people know where they stand. I like it when people are direct with me for the same reason.

I also relate to not being a girly girl. I have softened throughout therapy and have got in touch with some of my feminine side. Im still a bit of a tomboy which makes me happy.

I hope I didnt upset you by asking what gender you are. I know society expects woman and men to think and behave in certain ways. I like to think I accept everyone as they are. 💜

Oh, no, not upset at all @heartathome ! When i've played online anonympus games before many people have just assumed I am male because of how i interact and joke 🤣. 😋. I can understand curiosity, as well as it being part of innate "threat assessment" when past experiences have been adverse and lead to certain mental programming too.

You are amazing! @AlwaysMyself Thank you for being you! 😊💜

Are you asking AI the right questions for the answers you seek my friend @heartathome 

..

It's intelligent but also programmed to answer so sometimes the answers are just that.

If you asked me why you think bad about yourself I'd say or only coz your stupid but then that might make you feel stupid which could make you feel bad about your beautiful self so best I just leave it to AI 

@heartathome  you think a lot because your a compassionate caring soul.

If you weren't then zero shits would be given about anything except cruelty and putting others down to make you feel superior to your own flaws

@REDLINEZ750  Only you could get away with calling me stupid. 😂 I would like to post a finger to you (in jest) but I don't think it would be approved. 😉💜

oh post as many digits as you feel warranted my friend @heartathome im curious as to how ai suggests it gets done 😁

AI wants to know which one you would prefer @REDLINEZ750  😂

• Playful sass
• extra tongue in cheek
• Very short and snappy
• More savage
• More subtle
• Very Aussie
• Extra dry
• Proper bogan
• Deadpan

IM CONFUSED niether sound intelligent @heartathome  sorry i do like aussie girls just the bogans have potty mouths

lets go savage @heartathome  at least i get moderated  hahahahahahahaha

AI was telling me how I can give you the 'finger' in poem form (as a joke because you called me 'stupid' as a joke) as I can't post a visual finger. It was just my sense of humour, but I can see that you're struggling at the moment so probably not the right time. 

Please know that I'm with you in spirit and standing beside you!  @REDLINEZ750  💜

Okay  @REDLINEZ750 . AI says:

You took the piss and I laughed out loud

Good one mate, I'm not even mad

But rules are rules and tradition's bigger

If you roast me once, you cop the finger 

She can go more savage, but I'll leave it at this one. 💜

Welcome to my thread @NightFury @Shaz51 I started this thread so I could talk to @REDLINEZ750 'privately' and somewhere to put my poems, which could easily trigger someone. Feel free to browse! 💜 

@heartathome was there any particular finger AI suggested?

if its the one im thinking of that sticks up straight like a soldier then i  grin as i shrug my shoulders 😁

if its the one that gets bent because i ride fast sports bike and drive a v8 falcon ute im releasing the chihuahua before  i prove that mythology not entirely correct 🙈

hello old friend

 @heartathome  something i find quite interesting in both things that keep me protected sleeping top and tail 🤔

hey how are you my foggy friend?

i just took meds that turn fog into a blizzard brain @heartathome  i hope your well im gotta go down for night 

Hi @heartathome ,

How are you, my friend? I'm thinking that life may be a bit average at the moment. I wonder if something has happened to change things. Are you still in touch with your new friend? Is it still refreshing? Or was it your sister's news that upset the equilibrium? Perhaps a lingering effect of sharing your poems.

No need to answer any of my questions. I know I'm bring intrusive. I just wanted to reach out.

Today, after posting my Bible summary, I have mostly lain on my bed looking at youtube. I'll recharge my phone soon. I just watched one behind the scenes of making Keeping Up Appearances. Apparently it was a carefully crafted fake accent and Patricia Routledge stayed in character between takes. The actors use to have a laugh competition - who would disrupt the most takes because they were laughing at Mrs Bucket. Even when not filming Patricia Routledge insisted on being called Bouquet.

My day has been lazy and slow but I still feel peace.

I'm thinking of you and hope you feel God holding you.

Sorry. A reply is coming @Realness 💚

Hi @heartathome ,

Thanks for letting me know. No rush.

Oh  @Realness 

It's been a while. I hate to see that you worry about me! Going for a walk every day is improving my mental and physical health! Getting out, seeing Gods handiwork and appreciating life. I'm trying to get out of the unit more and am not on SANE then. 

My new friend and I facetime every day (which takes up my time of a night - I'm not complaining) and I'm loving his friendship. To be honest with you, he is taking up a lot of my head space. He is a Christian which is great. We have the basis in common. 

God hasn't changed and is still loving and blessing me! I've always been a bit of a rebel. So was Jesus! 

On Tuesdays, our bible study studies the same passage that is preached on the Sunday. It's been good to get further understanding. I learnt that my identity is in Christ and too much 'inward looking' is not good for my spiritual life. As Isaiah says My ways are not your ways or your THOUGHTS my thoughts. I still think of myself as a pretty hopeless Christian, but God thinks about me differently because of Jesus! I need to keep my eyes above! I'm trying to remember to praise God while I go on my morning walk. My friend suggested that.  

Believe it or not I was struggling to come to terms of being 65 this month. 😀 I felt old and ugly (with all my wrinkles from the trauma of the flood - almost overnight!), then an 84-year-old friend said to me, "I wish I was 64". Well, that put things in perspective for me. Now I want to enjoy the next 20 years, God willing. 

I had a lung cancer screening test last week and have the results back but don't understand what it means. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to explain it to me. I pray it's all okay. I've been a smoker since I was 14. Definitely some emphysema. I can tell them that!  

Perhaps a lingering effect of sharing your poems. Perhaps Realness. Going through my poems again was difficult but understanding more about how the abuse has affected me and set me up for dysfunctional relationships with men is powerful to know. 

I can only leave my sister in Gods hand and pray for His will. I don't know what else to pray for. God's will is better than any words I could come up with! I'm really happy that she got the good news about it being treatable. I've been told that Ovarian Cancer isn't treatable by a nurse, so I see this as a miracle! 🙏

 I know I'm bring intrusive. You are never intrusive Realness! You can ask me as many questions as you like! I'll always answer them if I can. I'm a pretty open book. 

I haven't been replying to everyone lately. I'm definitely living with fog brain and processing the situations of other people are too much at the moment. My brain is saying nothing! 

That's interesting about Keeping Up Appearances. I did enjoy that program.

I'm glad you are feeling at peace! You so deserve it, my friend! I've missed talking with you! I loved seeing you tag me here. 💚

@heartathome  sorry if its not bgood or upsetting yo

I had a lung cancer screening test last week...have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to explain it to me. I've been a smoker since I was 14. Definitely some emphysema. I can tell them that!  

The results are back @Realness This is what happens after smoking for 50 years! I'm just glad not to hear the word cancer. 💜

Mild coronary artery disease

4 lung nodules which they will monitor in 12 months

Mild emphysema - they want me to do a lung function test

Hi @heartathome ,

Thanks for the long beautiful reply.

I would have replied sooner except Mum wanted to go shopping and then out for a bit. Then we watched the news, Deal Or No Deal and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

I just read your message with the results. I read them as being okay. Not great but in line with being a smoker. Am I right?

Your life sounds nice. I'm sorry that I worried about you. Walks, facetime with your new friend, and time away from the Sane Forums are all good things.

Birthdays and ageing are mental milestones. They can be really big. It's understandable. I've got a bit funny about my age - I forget how old I am. I keep having to work it out from the year I was born in. I think I might be in some sort of denial or something. I think it's the only thing I have amnesia with.

When you wrote about your Bible Study and relationship with God I thought about us being clothed in Christ and God seeing His Son and His Spirit when He looks at us. Nice.

So good to hear from you. Thank you for making the time.

THAT IS PERFECT @REDLINEZ750  I LOVE IT!!! 

                                                     THANKYOU SO MUCH!  💜 

Everything is in it! The water, the heart of hope and the hands of the community in the shape of a heart. It is everything about Lismore! (  @moderator I think I can mention the town because I haven't lived there for four years but I just wanted to make sure.) The story of the flood, the community coming together and the hope many of them still have are told perfectly in the graphics. If there are any tears, they're tears of gratitude. It might just be something in my eye though. lol

It was a really long post, hey  @Realness. It took me 3 days to finish. Yeah the results are pretty normal for a smoker! 

Because Im not on the forum all the time anymore, I miss some posts. I love the forums but need to have a more balanced life. Ill still be on everyday and will definitely answer your tags. 

Are you game to tell me how old you are? 😁 💚

The finger was definitely a grin as i shrug my shoulders type @REDLINEZ750 .

Oh, please don't skitch Pooky onto me. I've seen how aggressive he is in the photos you've posted. lol

Have I told you how proud I am of you lately? I admire your determination and tenacity and am very happy to call you a friend! 

I know you're busy where you are and probably can't get on as much as you'd like. I can understand that as I've been in clinics where we had to do two or three classes a day! Add meals, cleaning, meetings, homework, exercise and recharging, I gather there's not much spare time! 

It's always good seeing on the forum, especially when you visit me! 😉💜

Hi @heartathome ,

56. I had to count on my fingers as usual 🙂

Ooh, over a half century @Realness You are still classed as middle aged though! I am apparently old according to my son. He says he's feeling old at 35! 😀 💚

consider yourself visited @heartathome 😁

Thanks for the visit @REDLINEZ750  💜

Your foggy friend is doing good, @REDLINEZ750   Sorry it's taken me so long to reply! 

I feel like I have a new lease on life! I'm walking every morning and have myself a double shot coffee for a reward. I feel closer to God as I look around and sit on the rocks by the ocean. I've seen dolphins and turtles which has been so cool! I usually sit out there for about 20 minutes. I'm keeping up with my friends and am accepting some invitations to go out. I've even started singing along to my music which I haven't done in a very long time! 

I hope you're doing okay and being gentle with yourself! I think about you often. Thanks for your friendship! 

Sending you happy hippy hugs and much love 💙

Hope you like my song choice for you @REDLINEZ750

It comes from the movie Dangerous Minds - 1995 

Cool song but the critics didn't think much of the movie.

You can watch To Sir with Love instead and have a laugh at the 'bad boys' - 1967  

@AlwaysMyself @Bunniekins @Glisten @MissGremlin 

@heartathome   good morning sweetheart thank you for including me in your thread much appreciated.  how are you going?  i hope life is treating you kindly.  I never watched Dangerous Minds was too busy doing nappies and snotty noses but i remember being little and watching to sir with love and crushing for sidney poitiar (we didnt have teachers who looked like that growing up!)

hello  @Bunniekins  @Realness  @AlwaysMyself  @Glisten  its good to see you growi @heartathome 

@REDLINEZ750  hey Red how goes life my friend? 🙂

Hello @Bunniekins 

I'm all good. Thanks for asking. I've been getting out and walking every day for the last couple of weeks and actually been looking forward to it, which is different! I hadn't walked since my dog passed in 2023! It feels good to want to do something that's good for me! 😁 I love the early morning walk around 6.30. I enjoy going to the ocean and just sitting on a rock at the end of the 'wall'. I reward myself with a double shot latte afterwards. I feel like it's an investment into my mental health. 

we didnt have teachers who looked like that growing up!  That's right! I'm sure all the teachers we had were over 65! 😄

How are you doing, my sister? Sending my hippy hugs and love 💚

@heartathome  i'm doing really well.  life is good thank you 😄 . is a quiet day today. might have another nap soon. want to be up for Vera later tonight.  busy week ahead with doctors appointments and support workers.  its been too humid to walk and with my legs is hard they feel so heavy tbh.

@heartathome  good morning hun wishing you a wonderful monday. anything planned for today? i have my eldest coming over which is always nice to see him other than that will be quiet today. take care. bun xx

Good morning @Bunniekins

Thats great that your eldest is coming over to visit! Enjoy! Do you see him often? I'm down town having my coffee and getting ready to go out to the wall. I too have a quiet day ahead. Im not sure what I'll do to take up my day yet. Probably hang out on SANE. My son went for a walk with me yesterday . We were on the phone together and walked in different towns. It was enjoyable for both of us. 

Sending love oxox 💚

@heartathome   yes i do.  he lives close by so on his days off from work he tries to make a visit which is great  😄 .  enjoy your day hunny.  you made me smile with you going for a walk "with" your son.  i watch the bold and the beautiful "with" my mum via phone! she lives in a different city but gets a kick out of us talking about the different fashions, who is wearing what etc on B&B 😄

lol @Bunniekins  

I was obsessed with B & B!!! Everyone knew not to ring me at 4pm! That was my way of relaxing after a day of work or TAFE. Who is Bill with now and Stephy? What about Brooke and Ridge? Oh, Hope and Liam! I can't believe she got with Thomas. I liked Deacon. Sheila of course being the villain. Kids would be growing up. I don't expect answers, but it makes me nostalgic and puts a smile on my face! What a great bonding thing to do with your mum! The fashion. Yes, some of it was atrocious! 😄 I used to watch Days of My Lives with my mum. Good memories! 🙂 💚 

@heartathome  yes well so much has happened and yet so much remains the same lolol!   Sheila is perhaps my fav she is just such a nutty character and such a good actress!  what always makes us laugh is nothing will happen for days on end and we feel we are about to tune out and then BAM! Luna (who is no longer in the soapy she got run over) will put Stephy in a cage in a building which is being knocked down but Finn her new husband comes to the rescue just in the nick of time! yes it is a bit of harmless fun and my mum who is house bound gets such a kick out of it for 30 mins it is great to see 😄  when my mum finally passes it will give me wonderful memories. xxx

Poem and Graphics by @REDLINEZ750   

This is the first poem that Red shared with me, back in September last year, before I made this thread. 💜 

I'll leave the rest to them as it's their story to tell. 

@Bunniekins @Realness @AlwaysMyself @Glisten @MissGremlin @Chasingsunsets @tyme @ENKELI @Mustang67 @DahliaDreams @Appleblossom @TAB @AuntGlow 

@heartathome such powerful words, thankyou for sharing sweet ❤️.

@REDLINEZ750 you are such a strong and amazing person. Thankyou for allowing us to be a part of your journey, it's been such a pleasure getting to know you ❤️.

Love and hugs to you both ❤️