How do you handle people who minimise your trauma?

@SaltwaterSoul @ I am so sorry you have had to endure not only the abuse from your mother, but the complete lack of understanding from everyone else. I'm so glad your husband is beside you, it can be isolating without someone who knows and understands everything that has happened, your feelings and pain.

I hope if your siblings do not realise how your mother treated you was wrong, that they eventually do. Many times in families with an abuser, especially a narcissistic one, there are roles meted out to members and it can be hard to deprogram from them.

Your role seemed to be the scapegoat, you had all the problems of the family pushed on you unfairly. Having been given this role at various times, I can tell you with confidence your siblings likely haven't realised theirs or broken out of them yet.

They may reach out to you some day, but for today having no contact is best for you.

Some books I found helpful for me and my journey to heal from abuse:

Narcissist Abuse Recovery by Jean Harrison & Molody Dixon

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft

Sorry for giving you advice, but I've personally found learning all I can allows me to properly advocate for myself and my needs. I wish you all the happiness, love and understanding on your journey ❤️ 

@AnnoyedSheDevil

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, your advice is very welcome. What I meant when I said I don’t want advice is more about when I talk to people close to me and they go into a “solution mindset,” like saying “things will work out” or “just talk to her and sort it out.” Comments like that don’t really help me in those moments.

I’ll definitely check those books out. If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever had people around you who didn’t really understand what you were going through? And if so, how did you cope with that? 

PS. Thank you also for such kind words. 💛

@Penguincat 

Thank you so much for responding back to my post. I guess it’s hard to know how to deal with all of this. For me it’s still all relatively new, and I guess I’ll learn more after some more time. Even though I would never wish this experience on anyone, it does bring some comfort to know that I’m not alone. 

Maybe I have to accept that some people just won’t get it, and maybe not bother trying to talk about it with certain people. I’m a bit concerned about one of my best friends that I’ve known forever, because I feel like since everything happened, things have changed between us. When I finally found the courage to tell her a little bit about what happened, she wasn’t very helpful, but maybe that’s because she hasn’t experienced anything similar??? Even after that conversation, I feel like she wants me to act like I did before everything, but that’s not me anymore. We haven’t really spoken much since then, well, I haven't reached out much and I’m afraid me getting diagnosed with c-ptsd and started my recovering has become a bit of a barrier between us...

Boundaries are really important, and it's not my strength. I know I definitely have a long way to go, and I’ve started slowly working on it with my therapist, but it’s all very new and scary. ☹️ Still, I’m determined to change, no matter how long it takes, because I don’t want to fall back into old patterns.

Thank you for sharing @SaltwaterSoul . I totally hear you about having to have boundaries. It's a way to protect yourself and others. In a way, well done for speaking out and letting them know that you really just couldn't go to the event. And yes, sometimes I feel that people who are on a different path may not necessarily understand what is going for you - they may never understand. 

For me, I have a range of people. I share different things with each one depending on whether I think they will understand... dont know if this will work for you?

Please hand in there. We're here for you.

@tyme 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas. I really connected with what you said about sharing different things with people depending on their level of understanding, that’s something I’d like to work towards. After everything that happened last year, it all unfolded so quickly. It felt like a bomb suddenly dropped into my life and my social world as well. Naturally, people started asking what was going on, before I even knew what was actually happening inside of me and around me, and for a long time I avoided the topic. When I spoke to my psychologist about how anxious I felt being asked about it so often, she said that when a topic is avoided, people sometimes become more curious and ask even more questions. I think that’s true, at least to some extent, depending on the person.

I guess this is all just part of the learning journey. Thank you for your kind words. 

@Penguincat 

I think I just came to a point in my life where I realised how miserable I had been. It’s strange how you can be abused by someone for so long and not fully understand it all until something big happens and everything suddenly comes to a stop. It’s like your body finally says, “I’ve had enough”. I didn't know at that time I needed help, I was just in shock but my husband really pushed me in that direction.  I kept saying at that time I can do this alone, I know how to do it, I have done it all my life..........I was just terrified of letting any other person in. I don't have exactly a lot of people in my life I have opened myself up to truly. 
 
I still struggle with making eye contact with my psychologist, especially when I’m sharing things that are extremely intense. But she never mention anything or care about me struggling with it, she just let me be the way I am, and I am so grateful for that. I was terrified the first time I met up with my psychologist but now I feel like she almost saved me, I feel for the first time of my life that maybe I can finally heal, even if it's going to take a very long time, and it's still ups and downs, and at times really hard. I just believe now that maybe I can finally heal and have a better life. That's a huge thing for me to say... I can't believe at times. 

I was recommended this community, and I’m so glad I gave it a try. I feel like I can truly be myself here, and that’s such a wonderful feeling. Spoiler alert, I’ve been thinking about reaching out to my friend. I’m just working on building up the courage.

Thank you again for your kind words, and I'm so proud of you too to be brave, to take that courage to heal. It’s such a relief to know that I’m not alone, I felt that way for a very long time.

@SaltwaterSoul Not only does my mother invalidate my trauma and conditions, but my ex would too. He was worse though because he wouldn't just invalidate, he would expect exceptions for himself in the same breath.

I've recently been diagnosed with C-ptsd, I had been gaslit by him into believing I had Bipolar Disorder or some other personality disorder. Turns out I'm not "a drama loving bitch" after all.

Being labelled as the problem, especially from a young age, can have a massive impact on your relationships, emotions and self-worth. I don't know if I can ever say I ever learned to cope with being the family scapegoat or with having my Depression brushed aside/misunderstood.

I mostly just retreated and learned about my own conditions, and other neurodivergent conditions, so I could stand my ground  and correct others when they tried to gaslight, invalidate or push the blame onto me. It was so cathartic learning I had C-ptsd, it was like a puzzle piece clicking into place.

I hope this answers your questions and I hope you can continue healing 💕

@AnnoyedSheDevil 

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. What an incredibly painful situation to be placed in, especially without the support from your ex, someone who should have been there for you. You deserved so much more care and understanding.

Thank you for sharing part of your story. I can relate to what you said about receiving a c-ptsd diagnosis. For a long time, or as longest I can remember I felt like something was severely wrong with me, like I was just “crazy.” But learning that my reactions and struggles were connected to untreated trauma , and understanding more about my body, my nervous system, and how trauma affects me,  completely changed my perspective. Suddenly, I felt a sense of relief, because it finally gave an explanation for what I had carried for so many years. But I also feel a sense of fear, it's all still quite new knowledge for me, I'm so used to things, and to knowing suddenly after all this time that it's another option in life feels a bit scary...but I guess that's all part of the process?!

I’m also so proud of you for taking that step and standing up for yourself. That takes so much strength, and your words are truly inspiring for me.

Thank you for your posts @SaltwaterSoul 

Yes, for me, 'hiding' by traumas was traumatic. I had to mask a lot and this worked for some cases, but long term, it was exhausting. Hence, being in peer support spaces has been the best thing for me. I find it so therapeutic and helpful just to know there are others who have been through something simliar. 

I hope you also find a way to more forward in a way that works for you.

Hi everyone,

I really need some support. As you know, I decided to go no-contact with my mum early last year.

Recently, my sister suddenly reached out, trying to convince me to contact our mum. She told me I should “try to look past it all,” “what happened, happened,” and mentioned that mum has said mean things to her that made her sad, but she just shakes it off. 

The thing is, my sister doesn’t know the full story. She moved out early, and I was left with mum. She wasn’t even there last year during the really bad times, and I haven’t shared everything with her because she hasn’t really cared about my story. Every time I try to explain something, she cuts me off and says it didn’t happen that way. How could she know? She wasn’t there. I was. I have c-ptsd from it all, and have spent a lot of time and money trying to build a better life away from abuse.

All of this made me so angry, and I wanted to write back to her. But I realised I’m too upset to respond, and honestly, it doesn’t matter what I write, she won’t be by my side. She obviously listens to whatever mum says. It feels absurd and isolating that not even my sister can be there for me. ☹️

My question: Should I write to my sister to set a strict boundary, or just remain silent?
Edit: After some reflection, I realise this is something I need to work through for myself, as there isn’t an easy answer. I was feeling quite overwhelmed when I posted, and I think I was really just looking for support from people who understand.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I really appreciate it.💛

@tyme @AnnoyedSheDevil @Penguincat 

Hey @SaltwaterSoul ,

It sounds like there is a lot of trauma and triggers associated with re/connecting with your mother.

I cannot tell you what to do, as we all have different experiences in terms of our relationship with family.

However, one thing is, is you never speak to your mother again, are you okay with that? The last thing we want is for you to later regret not connecting with her.

Boundaries are certainly so important whether it be with your mum or your sister. I can see you were able to step back and not react when emotionally aroused. This is certainly something to give yourself credit for.

I haven't seen my parents in 2 years. Not because there is any relationship rupture or anything... I just don't. However, when I go an see them (interstate), I keep telling myself that I'm doing my duty as ther child.... and it helps me manage. I let them talk, even if I don't want to listen. Then my boundary is that after a while, I tell them that's enough. 

So boundaries are definitely important. 

At this stage, what do you feel is the right thing to do? Please don't feel you have to answer when you are feeling emotional as this may skew how you see things. 

Please remember your own self care and show yourself some compassion.

@tyme 

Thank you so much for reaching out. I really, really appreciate it. Yes, I understand that it’s different for everyone. Today I was just in a big cloud of sadness and trauma. I decided not to respond, at least not for now, and instead spent the day trying to ground myself, but honestly, today was terrible. Really bad. I didn’t know what to think for a while there...It's just been very hard today. But I am safe, I know I am safe, thank you again for sharing your ideas and thoughts.

I think I’ll make a decision later on when I have calmed down from it regarding my sister and/or perhaps with my psychologist next time I see her.💛 (The support button doesn't work for me at this stage, so please know I double supported this in spirit) 

@AnnoyedSheDevil @Penguincat 

Hey @SaltwaterSoul ,

Hope things have settled since yesterday. It sounded so raw and I could hear the incident brought up some big emotions.

Here for you.

@tyme 

Thank you for checking in. 💛 Yes, it was rough. I think it didn’t help that I’ve also been working through some difficult memories in therapy this week, so everything felt amplified. I made a conscious decision not to engage and I still haven't engaged. This is something I’ve been practicing, learning to pause and not make immediate decisions that I will regret later on. It does take a lot of training and I have often failed in the past, but this time I did better. 

It’s deeply painful when people minimise your traumatic experiences. That feeling of not being believed is one of the hardest parts. But I’m also starting to slowly recognise that I do have a small support network. They may not be family by blood, but knowing I’m not alone makes this journey feel less frightening. I’m learning to trust that I have support now which is all very new for me. 

That's really powerful to recognise that you are not alone in this. @SaltwaterSoul .

No matter the size of your support network, if they can provide that quality support at the time you need it, it makes all the difference.

Please be gentle with yourself. You dserve to be supported.

Well done on being kind to yourself and making that conscious decision not to engage for now. 

We are here for you. The whole community has your back. 

Thank you for sharing your post as it made me realise I’m not the only one to go no contact with my toxic mother due to her presence bringing more pain than her absence however this does not stop the pain guilt and grief of making that decision to protect yourself. Oh and i think it’s very unfair for people to minimise trauma, pain, grief as it is an individual process and response.. respect empathy and kindness is what we need. 

@Blue22 

Hi, thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry you’re going through that as well. It’s such a hard situation to be in. Sometimes I just want to defend myself, defend my inner child who’s screaming to be seen and heard but for me I'm slowly learning that sometimes for certain people in my life, it's just not worth it. 

I’m currently in therapy, doing schema and EMDR, and I honestly don’t think I would have made it this far without therapy. I used to be terrified of asking for help and never felt I could trust anyone with my life story. But now, by taking this scary and brave step, I’m starting to understand my younger self in a way I never could before. 

It’s a long journey ahead, but I think I have made myself a promise to keep striving for peace and give myself a chance at a better life than return to the pain of being abused. And I couldn't agree more regarding respect empathy and kindness. We deserve so much more!!

BIG HUGS. 💛 

@tyme @AnnoyedSheDevil @Penguincat @LW45  

Hey @Blue22 ,

I'm sorry that people have minimised the experiences of trauma, pain and grief. It sounds so hard. You are right. Each person and their circumstances are different. What is traumatic for one is not necessary traumatic for another, so we cannot deny the emotions that come up for people.

I hope you find a way to work through the pain and guilt around having no contact with your mother. But as you said, self-care and preservation is a must. If you don't look after yourself, no one will...

What do you do to stay well?