Caring for daughter with severe anxiety and depression who is mostly housebound

Hi @Billie12 ,

I can totally relate. Finishing school sent me into a whirlwind of mess. It's like school was so regimented, then after school, there's so little direction. I also struggled to get through year 12. I barely attended.

From then on, it took about 15 years to find myself again. To really be satisfied with myself. I had a lot of psycho therapy and tried numerous meds.

In the end, it was worth it. It was hard, but there is hope. 

Is your daughter linked in with any youth services? Also, if she wants, she can contact KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800 (up until she is 26 years old)

Please also remember to look after yourself.

Hey @Billie12 

It sounds like you are carrying an incredible amount as a single mum, and I want to acknowledge the massive wins your daughter has already achieved. Getting a high school certificate and a driver's license while battling school refusal and severe anxiety is a huge testament to her resilience and your support.

It is completely understandable that you feel unbelievably alone. When a child is housebound, the world can feel like it's shrinking for the parent, too. You are managing the emotional weight of her past trauma, the complexity of family dynamics, and the daily worry of seeing her stay in her room, all while raising two other children.

As a Peer Guide (still waiting for my badge to show up on here), a full-time carer, and my own lived experience as a child/teenager struggling with complex mental health, trauma and undiagnosed Autism and ADHD; I have a few thoughts to share:

When someone is isolating 24/7, it feels like they've stopped moving entirely. But the fact that she is engaging in ADHD testing and has agreed to see a psychiatrist is such a massive step forward. For a young person with a history of bullying and trauma, "trying" can be terrifying. Those appointments are her way of reaching for a ladder.

Since you mentioned she's being tested for ADHD, I will say that for many women and people assigned female at birth (afab), including myself, are "masked" high-achievers until the social and academic demands of high school/university/work become too much. If she does have ADHD, her "bad choices" or "isolating" might actually be a nervous system that is completely burnt out from trying to function in a world not built for her brain type. Finding that out can sometimes be the key that unlocks the door to her room. I went through my childhood/teenage years confused and struggling without support, and I did not receive my Autism/ADHD diagnosis until my early 20's.

Because you are a single mum, the compassion fatigue is very real. It is so easy to become a satellite of sorts orbiting her room, constantly checking her mood. Finding this forum is a great first step in remembering that you need a landing pad, too. You are not just a caregiver, you are also a person who deserves connection and a break from the waiting game.

Since she is creative and spends time on her phone, sometimes "digital" bridges work better than face-to-face ones when things get too intense. Sending a silly meme or a photo of something she likes (without asking her to come out or do anything) can sometimes remind her she's loved without triggering the demand for a conversation.

I have a question for you! Do you have even a small pocket of time in your week that is just for you? 

We are all here to listen to you whenever you need. You are doing a remarkably hard job!

How are things going @Billie12 ?

Thinking of you and your daughter @Billie12  💜🙏
I really felt your words in your post, it sounds like such a heavy and worrying place to be in as a parent.

I’m not a parent myself, but like @MatchaToad I’ve lived with mental health challenges since I was young, along with a late adhd diagnosis. I can really sense how much concern and care you have for your daughter.

I second Kids Helpline like @tyme as a support option for her, it’s free for young people and offers phone counselling, web chat and email support.

It’s great to hear she is engaging with a psychologist 😊

Like matchatoad, I am wondering if you have any supports for you?

You aren’t alone here 💜, tagging a couple of other friends @Shaz51 @AuntGlow @AlwaysMyself 

Hey, so it looks like my phone has logged me in with an old acccount (Jen1102) which has more than likely caused confusion

Oh @Billie12 @Former-Member  - did you want us to delete one of your accounts for you? Only because members should only have one account.

Feel free to email us at team@saneforums.org and we can get it sorted for you.

We look forward to hearing from you about how things are going with your daughter and yourself.

@Billie12 @Former-Member 

I hear you. Like @Chasingsunsets and @MatchaToad I have lived with "diagnosed as severe depression" for a long time (for me, since I was 11 years old). But my "depression" was always an atypical one, and didn't improve with "treatment" beyond an initial small improvement of learning to challenge my own thoughts and how to not act on feelings (i.e. override them).

Fast-forward over 20 years... i've just been diagnosed with autism and adhd (and not mild either 😅), but just as @MatchaToad described (ps - congrats on becoming a Peer Guide!) I also fit that female-high-masking subtype that goes undiagnosed or mis-disagnosed. None of my past doctors (including numerous psychiatrists) ever considered autism or "asked the right questions" about what drove my depressed view of life. Turns out my longterm depression medication was unknowingly treating adhd symptoms too 🤣, yet they didnt help my depression (caused by autistic experience).

I love that your daughter is willing to talk to a psychiatrist and is getting assessed for ADHD (and hopefully they will also be experienced and aware to look out for other possible interplaying this too? There is so much overlap between things that i can be hard to tell sometimes without extensive interviews in an honestly open and trusting environment).

My own diagnosis interviews took over double the usual expected time 😅 and we still skipped over things because we "had enough evidence already" 😅 without discussing all the ways it affects my life.

I hope you are able to get the support you need too (here and elsewhere) to help you in your lived experience and also in helping your daughter too. 🤗

I am always open to bouncing ideas off, brainstorming, listening to the pain, and celebrating the wins 😊. (But sometimes i may have very long delays in replies when my own life is too busy or overwhelming, so please be aware that can happen and i'm not intentionally ignoring 🥰).